A Night at the Movies

A few Fridays ago, my high school daughter had the day off from school.

When I was her age we called it playing hooky.

Nowadays they call it a Teacher Development Day.

Whatever that is.

But the bottom line is I got to enjoy a rare one-on-one day with my 14-year-old.

I called it a date.

But that creeped her out.

So instead we just referred to it as a father/daughter day.

Our father/daughter day began with lunch.

At a local Jewish deli.

The only Jewish deli in our town.

But this place is hardcore.

So hardcore we had Matzo Ball Soup.

A Knish.

Blintzes.

Kishka.

Corned Beef on Rye.

No mayo.

And for dessert, we enjoyed a bag of Kichel.

If you’ve never heard of Kichel.

Just clear your throat when you get to the CH in the middle of the word.

Maybe then it will sound more familiar.

Either way, our lunch was fantastic.

So good, she said “it felt like we were in New York again.”

Now that’s a compliment.

With our bellies full and our throats clear, we transitioned into part II of our date.

I mean our father/daughter day.

The movie.

And we had a bunch to choose from.

But we figured this was our opportunity to see something good.

You know, with the Oscars right around the corner.

We had already seen The Help.

And loved it.

A few days earlier we had rented that one from our local Red Box for $1.

Red Box -- the greatest invention ever.

The Help -- the greatest movie ever.

Ok, maybe not ever.

But we loved it.

All 146 minutes of it.

I love movies that feel real.

Even if they are fake.

And coming off that one, I had high hopes for our next one.

Not to mention, this time we would be in a real theater.

I called my friend Phil who raved that The Descendants was one of the best movies he’s ever seen.

Ever?

That was good enough for me.

Too bad he was wrong.

Oh, it was good.

At times.

But great?

Not so much.

Greatest ever?

Stop!

If they were trying to create a film to match the slow lifestyle in Hawaii, they succeeded.

I mean this thing was so slow my freshman daughter became a sophomore halfway through the film.

115 minutes felt like two hours.

We both wished that we would’ve gone with door #2 instead.

The Artist.

At least that had a dog in it.

And after Sunday’s Oscars we coulda bragged that we saw the best picture of the year.

Oh well.

There’s always next Teacher Development Day.

My kids have really taken a liking to the movies.

And not just kids movies.

Thanks to Red Box, we see at least a film a week.

Real Steel.

Mr. Popper’s Penguins.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

All the classics.

Hey what do you expect for $1.

But at least it keeps them interested in the big screen.

And it also made watching Sunday’s Academy Awards a much easier sell.

In fact, they were actually excited to see Oscar.

They loved Billy Crystal’s show opening.

Even though they had no idea who Billy Crystal was.

Then again, they had no idea who most of these people were.

When Barbara Streisand popped on the screen. my son asked, “what’s she from?”

My daughter quickly replied, “Meet the Fockers.”

Oh yeah, THAT’S where Barbara Streisand is from.

My son also thought Martin Scorsese was Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon.

You can see why.

But all things considered, I really enjoyed watching the Oscars with the kids.

Not to mention it gave me some great blog material.

For example...

My daughter caught J. Lo’s left nip slip.

(So did I.)

The kids wanted to know why Canada was eligible for Best Foreign Film.

When The Artist came on in black & white, my son said “what’s up with this, we are not in the 50’s anymore.”

My son also wanted to know why the French actor from that film had a wife AND a partner.  

I told him, he's French.

Little did I know the partner in the movie was actually the wife of the Director in real life.

Those French.

We all loved Chris Rock.

I mean that guy is so funny, he could read the phone book and make me laugh.

It also made me wonder how great the show would’ve been had Eddie Murphy remained the host.

Speaking of Murphy, I learned during the broadcast that SNL actors have been nominated nine different times.

And they’ve never won.

When Angelina Jolie came out as a presenter, I noticed her face looked shiny.

And that she’s getting older.

My eight-year-old daughter noticed that “she’s really full of herself.”

One point for each of us.

We all noticed that Glenn Close makes for one UGLY guy.

So does Nick Nolte.

I cried when they showed Ghost.

Both seconds of it.

I cringed when the Iranian filmmaker unraveled his 8 1/2 by 11 piece of paper with his acceptance speech.

We all wondered why the sound editor guy would use the word “indefatigable” in his speech.

And we also wondered what it meant.

We wondered what that Cirque de Soleil thing was all about.

And why the girl with the giant afro got so much airtime while we were trying to remember the people who died.

My daughter wondered how Bradley Cooper was voted one of the hottest guys in the world with one of the unhottest mustaches.

But there was one moment that made us all smile.

When Rango won for best animated something or other.

You see a few years ago my wife was the teacher of the son of Rango Director Gore Verbinski.

And when he won on Sunday.

It was like we had won on Sunday.

I guess that’s the magic of the movies.

And isn't that what this night was all about.

And The Winner Is......

I’ve always loved the Academy Awards.

Probably more than I love the actual movies.

I usually skip the red carpet.

But I always enjoy the show.

That's when we see the actors look nothing like the roles we are praising them for.

Christian Bale has a bushy beard.

Geoffrey Rush has no hair. 

Natalie Portman is pregnant.  

Annette Bening is straight.

Who knew?

We TiVo’d the awards to turn the 3+ hour show into less than two.

I enjoyed watching the show through my kids’ eyes.

Like when Tom Hanks introduced Gone with the Wind.

“He was in that movie?,” my 12-year old son said.

“Wow, he is old.”

Then he noticed Hanks “sounds exactly like that train guy from Polar Express.”

That’s when his much older and much wiser 13-year old sister informed him.

“That’s because he IS that train guy from Polar Express."

Oh.

Of all the films nominated, I saw four of them.

Inception.

The Fighter.

Tangled.

Salt.

When Melissa Leo won Best Supporting Actress for The Fighter, everyone in our house got a little something.

I was excited somebody won from one of the movies I saw.

My daughter thought it was cool how different she looked in real life.

And this one just might surprise you.

My son loved her f-bomb.

The speeches are always a highlight.

Do you think the cinematographer from Inception will love re-watching his moment in the spotlight?

The speech where he left his eye glasses resting on his forehead.

He may want to consult an editor.

Our bedroom was quiet when Kirk Douglas started talking.

For all of the wrong reasons.

I broke the silence, explaining to the kids what a stroke is.

I knew my kids had no idea who Kirk Douglas was.

But I was surprised they didn’t know Michael Douglas either.

My seven-year old daughter asked.

“Is he from The Blind Side?”

“No,” my son responded.  “That was Michael Oher.”

Of course, you can see how she could get confused.

Michael Douglas is a 5-foot-1, 66-years old actor.

Michael Oher is a 6-foot-4 (313 pound), 24-year old football player.

I was amused by my daughter’s confusion.

My son was offended.

Offended that a member of his immediate family didn’t know every member of the Baltimore Ravens offensive line. 

Aaron Sorkin thanked a guy with the same name as one of the owners in my fantasy basketball league.   

“Don't we know him?,” my son said.

Uh.... that would be a no.

I learned that my 13-year old daughter believes How to Train Your Dragon is “the best movie I've ever seen in my life."

Did you ever notice Russell Brand looks exactly like Weird Al Yankovic?   

Except Brand is married to Katy Perry.

And Weird Al is speed dating at a Denny's.

(Yes I know Weird Al has been married for 10 years, but I’m not one to pass at a joke.)

Humor is a funny thing.

Like when Oscars host James Franco made fun of Charlie Sheen.

I giggled.

But when he called the nominated animators “nerds”.

I thought, be careful Jimmy.

Don’t bite the workers that feed you.

I don’t think my 13-year old daughter had heard of the best foreign film.

But she quickly noticed the winner had “really bad pit stains”.

If you thought Christian Bale was hard to understand in The Fighter.

How about his real accent.

Did he forget his wife’s name?

When did Trent Reznor become a Hollywood fuddy-duddy.

Didn’t he used to be a rock star?

At 9:04pm, we informed the kids they had one more segment before it was bedtime.

That announcement came just moments before the Academy Award for Sound Mixing.

Which went to Inception.

Which was followed by the winner kissing her wife.

Yes, kissing HER wife.

F-Bombs, Girl on Girl.   

They really are trying to target a younger audience.

Unfortunately for the Oscars, they lost my younger audience at 9:17pm.

Bedtime for the kids.

But my wife and I watched the rest of the show.

The worst winning speech of the night.

The woman from Alice in Wonderland.

Reading off her index card.

Reading.

Word for word.

Really?

Is that Johnny Depp or Elijah Wood in Alice?

Can you believe Randy Newman, the guy who wrote "short people have no reason to live" has 20 Oscar Nominations? 

He's now won twice.

What was a more unlikely pair at the Oscars?

Anne Hathaway and James Franco hosting.

Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton partnering.

Or Chuck and Mandy Moore singing.

I loved the end when Chuck winked at her. 

Yuck.

Anne Hathaway had more costume changes than Lady Gaga.

Where did the other half of Jennifer Hudson go?  

Weight Watchers had the best commercial of the night.

And they didn’t even buy a 30-second spot.

I preferred Gwyneth Paltrow singing F.U. at the Grammy's.

But that girl can sure belt it.

My wife found out tonight that Leslie Nielsen died.

Three months ago.

Thanks to Celine Dion, this year we didn’t have to hear the crowd clap for their favorite dead people.

The late editors never get any love.

Hard to believe it has only been a year since Sandra Bullock thanked Jesse James.

Ironic one of the nominees she honored this year was named Jesse.

This whole time I didn’t know the difference between Colin Firth and Colin Farrell.

I'm guessing Farrell would’ve given a much better winning speech.

It's amazing how bad Oscar speeches can be without a script.

But we'll always come back for more.

At least I will.