Monday Night Foot-In-The-Mouth

I’ve done plenty of stupid things in my life.

Most of them in college.

But somehow I survived.

Somehow.

I’ve said plenty of stupid things in my life as well.

Many of them on this here blog I’m sure.

Sometimes the words just come out of the mouth.

Before the brain can stop them.

I call it the -- Fire, Ready, Aim syndrome.

I could give you the billboard top 100 of my screw-ups.

But for today, lets jump straight to #1.

The undisputed champ.

It goes a little something like this.

A few years ago I got a surprise call from a former colleague.

A friend.

Out of the blue.

“Hey, it’s a voice from your past.”

Wow!

I said.

In my head.

Fondly recalling how much I enjoyed working with him.

But instead of saying...

“What a great surprise.”

Or...

“How are you?”

Or...

“How is the family?”

I went outside the box.

“How’s the hair?”

Yep.

“How’s the hair?”

Holy Dan Quayle Batman!

Before my brain could find the emergency shutoff switch, I somehow fit my entire size 11 directly into my mouth.

Somehow.

“How’s the hair?”

What the hell does that mean anyway?

My colleague, who probably once considered me a friend, said the only thing he could.

“What?”

And there it was.

My opening.

Now this is when someone with half a brain would crumple up paper in the phone and hit the disconnect button.

Or scream -- “I said, HOW ARE THINGS OVER THERE?”

Or “do you like your steak rare?”

Or anything that rhymes with “hair”.

Except the word HAIR.

But instead, I said it again.

“How’s the hair?”

Yikes.

After nearly an entire quarter-second of his fake -- nervous -- laughter.

I told him I always liked his hair.

PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!

Believe it or not that was the last time we spoke.

It’s been about eight years now.

I have always looked forward to the day that I run into him.

In person.

I always wanted the opportunity to explain to him, face-to-face, what really happened.

It’s very simple.

Brain fart!

Period.

That’s it.

Nothing more.

Unfortunately I’ve never had that chance.

And who knows if I will.

I can’t do this apology in 140 characters.

Or less.

So tweeting is not an option.

Neither is texting.

Can you imagine his horror if he saw an email from me in his inbox.

Subject:  HAIR APOLOGY.

How ‘bout an old fashioned phone call?

Really?

Oh the damage I could do on that call.

Amazingly he did friend me on facebook a couple of years ago.

And I immediately accepted.

We exchanged some very basic greetings.

(I think I read mine out loud 1400 times before hitting send.)

Hey let’s face it, we are all capable of saying stupid things.

George W. made a career of it.

And he somehow got re-elected.

Somehow.

There are certainly no rules on who is capable of saying stupid things.

I’ve done it.

You’ve done it.

Jessica Simpson’s done it.

Anybody can join this club.

And today we welcome a new member.

Hank Williams Jr..

Oh Henry.


He must’ve had one too many before his interview with the Fox News Channel on Monday morning.

Or he is just plain stupid.

Coin flip.

Comparing President Obama to Rutherford B. Hayes.

Perhaps.

They both claim to have gone to Harvard Law School.

Comparing Obama to Larry Bird.

Perhaps.

They both did things no man of (their) color have done before.

But comparing Obama to Hitler.

On National TV.

Yes, that Hitler.

Is there another?

Really Junior?

That's almost too much for the Fox News Channel.

Almost.

There are at least six million reasons why Hank shouldn't have gone there.

And he still went there.


Actually what Hank Jr. said is not stupid.


It's a whole lot worse.


That's not an off the top of the head brain fart, "How's the Hair?"


What Hank said on Monday morning is exactly how he felt.


Which is the scariest thing of all.


Comparing OUR President, whether you like him or not.


To Adolf Hitler!

Are you ready for some backlash?

He better be.

Other than a high five or two at the Rick Perry Family Ranch, Hank took a hit in court of public opinion.

ESPN instantly removed Hank from the start of their Monday Night Football broadcast.

Something he’s been doing for 20 years.

But this is America.

And despite his despicable choice of words, Hank Williams Jr. will somehow live to sing another day.

Somehow.

11 Degrees of @KevinBacon

My name is Sir Bacon.

And I'm a Twitterholic.

There!

I admitted it.

Are you happy?

Twitter is not only addicting.

But it's amazing.

I love that I can get all of my news.

And sports

And jokes.

In 140 characters.

Or less.

In real time.

On twitter you don't have to be a leader.

You can follow anybody you want.

From a wide range of food groups.

For music, I love @MissyHiggins.

And @Eminem.

And @GreasyLake... for all of my Springsteen news.

As a diehard sports fan, I follow @DAVIDprice14.

My fantasy baseball pitcher.

And @JaValeMcGee34.

My fantasy basketball center.

And @ErinAndrews.

My fantasy...

Oh, never mind.

For the funnies, there's a lot more than @Chris Rock.

@SarahKSilverman always cracks me up.

And if you really want to go into the gutter.

Try @JennyJohnsonHi5.

But no matter your taste.

There's plenty out there for you.

Another cool thing about twitter.

Is you can see who follows who.

Or is it whom follows whom?

Either way.

I was surprised to see that @KingJames (LeBron) follows @TheEllenShow (DeGeneres).

@TheEllenShow follows @icecube.

@icecube follows @ConanOBrien.

It's a vicious cycle.

We could go on all day.

Now for those of you who haven't made the jump from facebook.

To twitter.

Shame on you.

Sure they both come from the social networking family tree.

But they are oh so different.

Let me explain.

On twitter you can follow anybody you want.

Even if they don't follow you.

On facebook, you can friend anybody you want.

But they can ignore you.

Most of the people you follow on twitter.

Are people you've never met.

Your friends on facebook.

Are real friends.

Or at least people you chose to accept.

As real friends.

If you don't want to be friends with someone who friends you on facebook.

Just ignore them.

It's not rude.

It's facebook.

This whole LeBron, Ellen, Ice Cube, Conan circle is what twitter is all about.

Figure out what you like.

And follow them.

If you want to create that same circle on facebook.

It can be done.

I suppose.

But its a lot more challenging.

I played my own game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon.

To see how long it would take for me to have a friend.

Of a friend.

Of a friend.

Of Kevin Bacon.

On facebook.

Problem is Kevin Bacon doesn't have a facebook page.

But he and his brother do.

They are called the “Bacon Brothers.”

Of course they are.

Why wouldn’t they be.

Well the Bacon Brothers, the talented music group, do have a facebook page.

With 4980 friends.

So how hard could it possibly be to connect these dots.

And find one of my friends.

Who is a friend.

Of a friend.

Of the Bacon Brothers.

I started my journey with JuJu Chang.

The ABC News reporter.

And friend of Sir Bacon.

Well, Stewart Bacon on facebook.

Juju has 3929 friends.

Good start.

Juju is friends with Howard Kurtz.

The Washington Bureau Chief for Newsweek.

He's got 4265 friends.

On facebook.

One of those friends is Steve Case.

The AOL guy.

4903 friends.

And did you know he is a fan of U2.

That's what it says on his page.

Well Steve is a friend with Morgan Spurlock.

The super-sized guy.

A movie guy.

Hey, we are getting somewhere.

Well Morgan has 4941 friends.

And one of those friends is Mark Cuban.

The multi-gazillionaire owner of the Dallas Mavericks.

Who has 4809 friends.

37 of which are named Adam.

Just one named Eve.

One of the Adams is Adam Duritz.

Lead singer of the Counting Crows.

Well Duritz is friends with Mr. Roast.


Jeffrey Ross.

Ross is friends with Artie Lange.

Artie Lange is friends with Ben Stiller.

And drum roll please.

Stiller is friends with...  the Bacon Brothers.

After that long and winding road.

We finally found our home.


Soup to Nuts.


Actually Bacon to Bacon.

Stewart Bacon -- Juju -- Kurtz -- Case -- Spurlock -- Cuban -- Duritz -- Ross -- Lange -- Stiller -- Bacon Brothers.

11 Degrees.

To find Kevin Bacon.

And his brother.

On facebook.

Yet another reason why I love twitter.

Type 2 Personality

A few weeks ago I was working out at the local gym.

Thankfully that’s not news.

With all that I eat, I try to work out every day.

Or at least every other day.

The news here came after I was done working out.

As I got out of the shower and headed back into the locker room, I noticed that a man was looking at me.

I was wearing nothing but a towel.

And he was wearing nothing but a towel.

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

As I got closer, he said, “I’m sorry for staring at you.”

“But you look just like this guy I went to college with.”

So I asked what college.

He answered my college.

I said that’s my college.

He said, “Are you......?”

I said, “I am.”

And with that, the reunion tour was officially underway.

Now I live a thousand miles from where I went to school.

And school was a million miles ago.

Graduated 20 years back.

22, to be exact.

So to run into somebody from the glory days.

That’s a long-shot.

And being recognized by somebody who hasn’t seen you since before Milli knew Vanilli.

That’s a miracle.

And in this miracle I looked exactly as I did two decades ago?

While wearing just a towel?

Now that’s a real miracle.

And a compliment.

My new friend/old friend told me that he still keeps in touch with a handful of people from the way back machine.

Including an old fraternity brother of mine.

In fact, he said that brother was coming to town in a few weeks.

Which was this week.

“And we should all get together.”

So we did what all the kids do these days.

Friended each other on Facebook.

Is “friended” really a word?

Well within a couple of pings, we had a lunch date.

So yesterday, we grabbed a table for three at a local burger joint.

Within moments, we exchanged pictures of the eight kids we helped bring into this world.

And then we bragged about the swim team.

And the fishing trip.

And the dance competition.

You know all the things that proud papas talk about.

That lasted about two minutes.

The other 98 minutes were spent talking about the golden days.

Well not all 98 minutes.

And not all talking.

I spent the first five minutes listening.

Listening to my fraternity brother tell me how his life changed.

A few years ago.

But this change didn’t involve religion.

Or alcohol.

Or a hot girl.

It involved a test.

And this was one test that you can’t cheat on.

Apparently he had a cholesterol level that was slightly above the norm.

But he took it very seriously.

So seriously that he went in for regular updates.

Ironically it was a test with a positive change that brought in a negative result.

Those results showed the good news about his cholesterol going down.

But the bad news that he had developed diabetes.

A shocking development.

Considering he had no family history of the disease.

And he was far from obese.

He was not exactly the ideal candidate.

But even with the odds in his favor, he had joined a growing list.

A list that won’t stop growing.

In fact a study released in October by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention said that by 2050, one in three adults may have diabetes.

Fortunately/Amazingly, I can’t think of any of my adult friends who are diabetic.

So I was very interested in learning more.

But I had to walk that tight-rope between being supportive.

And being nosy.

He immediately showed me the syringe that he takes everywhere with him.

And he said that he can still eat pretty much everything he wants.

As long as he adds the right amount of insulin to the menu.

It’s just part of his new diet.

And his new life.

And he seems really ok with it.

Which made me feel really ok with it.