My Morning Racket

Today I made it to 5:22am without waking up.

I know it was 5:22, because I watched the 2 change to a 3 on my digital clock.

Telling me it was 5:23.

Now that wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t gone to bed just three hours earlier.

Boy do I wish I could sleep.

I also wish I didn’t have that bruising feeling in my stomach.

I also wish my mind wasn’t racing like it was the Indianapolis 50,000.

I also wish I had five minutes of sleep for every time I’ve heard... 

“Everything happens for a reason.”

or

“This too shall pass.”

or

“Hang in there.”

or

Whatever.

Support is kind of a crazy thing.

We need our support system, and I’ve got a GREAT one, but sometimes that support system can get just too close.

It used to drive me insane when my dad would say, “keep your chin up” at the end of EVERY conversation.

I must’ve heard him say it 1000 times.

Unfortunately I haven’t heard it in eight years.

Coming up on nine.

It wasn’t his fault that phrase was his default way of saying “I love you and I hope that tomorrow is better than today.”

I would imagine my kids are tired of me telling them “I hope you have the best day ever” when I drop them off at school.

But somehow that’s become my catch phrase for them and I just can’t stop.

When I started writing this blog, I didn’t tell anybody about it.

I just did it.

I thought it was a really cool way to say what I wanted.

When I wanted.

How I wanted.

That worked for a while, until I thought what I was saying was worth being heard.

So, little-by-little, I told two friends.

And they told two friends.

Well you know the rest.

I love it that my friends read the blog.

I love it that anybody reads the blog.

I just love writing the blog.

But when I’ve got something heavy on my mind, as I certainly do these days, I hate the idea that I have to be careful what I am saying.

Now I do realize that I am way too deep into this internet thing here to be writing 100% of my life.

That’s why I have to hide my real thoughts behind a Bob Dylan quote or quirky baseball reference.

But the fact that I am still able to make my point helps me get through each day.

You may not know exactly what I mean, but I do.

Sometimes.

And that’s all that matters.   I think.

When I wrote about not sleeping two days ago, I certainly recognized that was exposing my vulnerability.

I also realized that’s exactly how I felt.

I’ve heard from a bunch of people since then.

And thank you for that.

I’m good.   Really.   I’m just keepin’ it real.

But there is one person I heard from that really made my day.

He’s someone I think of as one of my best friends.

We talk.  Not a lot.  But we talk.

But he’s on the short list of people that I just really like.

And when he texted me that my blog about not sleeping was about him and what he’s going through right now, that made my day.

Not the part that he couldn’t sleep.

But the part that we are all one.

I guess deep down my goal for this blog is in some small way having my words doing something for somebody.

I’ve burned up all of my minutes this month on my cell phone, and then some.

But come 9:01pm last night, when free after hours time kicked in, I went crazy nuts.

I think I spoke for like five straight hours on the phone, telling the same story over and over.

And over.

It would’ve been easier to hold a news conference.

Or write a blog.

But by the end of the night, or morning, I was absolutely exhausted from hearing myself talk.

It wasn’t that I wanted to tell the story over and over.   And over.

But rather the fact that I have lots of people in my life that wanted to know about my life.

And that’s a good thing.

I am so fortunate to have some amazing friends.

And honestly, my friends are quite fortunate to have me.

That’s probably why we are friends.

But in the end there is only one person who knows how you feel.

You.

People try really hard to help.

And people try really hard to tell you how you should feel.

Or how you should act.

Or how you should be dealing.

But at the end of the day, or at the beginning of the day, they are not the ones watching 5:22 turn into 5:23.

You are.

And you’z got to do what you’z got to do to make it through the day.

And I'z gotz to go back to bed now.

Sleepless in New York

4:57am

So when was the last time you had one of those nights?

You know...

So much Tossin’ and Turnin’, you thought somebody was listening to the soundtrack from Animal House.

One of those nights where you can’t fall asleep until the credits for Poker after Dark are over.

And you still manage to wakeup before Good Morning America.

One of those nights where the sheep you are counting fall asleep before you do.

A night where no matter how many spoonfuls of ice cream you eat from the tub, it won’t make the knot in your stomach go away.

A night where you put on your jacket and you ran through the woods and you ran till you thought your chest would explode.

Ok, that last part was from a Bruce Springsteen song.

A great song called “Downbound Train.”

If you haven’t heard it, it starts like this...

I had a job, I had a girl

I had something going mister in this world

I got laid off down at the lumber yard

Our love went bad, times got hard

Now I work down at the carwash

Where all it ever does is rain

Don't you feel like you're a rider on a downbound train

Come on...  

...“now I work down at the car wash, where all it ever does is rain”...

Really.

I have written like 200,000 words for this blog and Bruce summed it up in 14.

Focus Bacon Focus!!!!!!!

Oh, sorry.

5:09am

Back to my life.

So here I am, sitting at the computer, trying to lasso my emotions in motion.

Trying to put my thoughts into words.

Trying to connect with the therapeutic part of writing this blog that has kept me afloat.

Even during the toughest of times.

The recipe has been very simple for me.

•   Feel something

•   Write about it

•   Make a subtle reference to Oingo Boingo or George Costanza so nobody knows what you are talking about

•   Hit Publish

Somehow by the end of my 80’s flashback, you’ve been entertained.

And I feel better.

I got quite the compliment from an anonymous reader the other day, at least I think it was a compliment.

I don't know if you mean to, or not, but your blog entries are the rare combination of: funny, thought-provoking and at times, head shaking.

Keep up the great work!!!

Thank you.

I think.

5:31am

Writing for me has worked a lot better than any other drug.

Better than the beer in my fridge.

Or the Tylenol in my medicine cabinet.

Or even the ice cream in my freezer.

What’s left of it.

In the good times and the bad, I have found a friend in my keyboard who has helped me deal with my reality.

Whatever that reality is.

In case you haven’t figured it out, I’m going through some stuff right now.

I would even qualify it as some serious stuff.

So serious, for me, that I can’t sleep.

I’ve got one of those decisions that I need to make and make it soon.

One of those decisions where you write the good on one side of the paper.

And the bad on the other.

One of those decisions where you call your friends to see what they would do.

If it was their life.

I have evaluated and re-evaluated this scenario so many times, even I’m tired of listening to myself.

I called my wife at 5:45pm last night.

Then we spoke again at 9:45pm.

Then I called her again at Midnight, her time.

Things are so bad, I had to buy more minutes at the AT&T store.

Fortunately they drop half of my calls, so the bill is not too much.

5:47am

Well here I am, almost an hour after I started and I pretty much got nowhere.

My issue is still there.

The knot is still in my stomach.

And I still can’t sleep. 

But somehow I feel better.

I wonder if there is any ice cream left?