House Rules

30 minutes or less.

In the time it takes you to get a Domino’s Pizza.

You too can tour The White House.

That’s all it takes.

30 minutes.

Well that and a great connection.

I guess you could stay a little longer.

Or you could certainly breeze through.

In about five minutes.

But if you’ve got a half day set aside.

Don’t.

Of course, you have to get in first.

And that’s no small feat.

Fortunately we knew somebody.

Who knew somebody.

Yada yada yada.

For 30 minutes, we saw how the other half lives.

About two weeks ago we learned that our request for a tour had been accepted.

We were a lock.

What could possibly go wrong?

I hadn’t looked so forward to a tour since David Lee Roth got back together with Van Halen.

Then the big news of a few days ago.

Obama-1, Osama-0.

And with that, our big day had disappeared.

Or so we thought.

Thankfully that was not the case.

Everything went off just as planned.

We were given a whole set of rules before we got in.

And like Jerry taught George.

You’d better play by the rules.

“Hold out your money, speak your soup in a loud, clear voice, step to the left and receive…It’s very important not embellish on your order. No extraneous comments. No questions. No compliments.”

Well that was how to order soup from the Soup Nazi.

But the White House is no different.

We got in a single-file line, as requested.

In alphabetical order.

We were allowed one camera.

They checked out the license of each adult.

They checked out the name for each kid.

And just like Studio 54, you’d better be on the list.

Or you ain’t goin' nowhere.

If you pass all those tests -- presto chango -- you’re in the building. 

The first stop is a hallway.

Loaded with old pics.

That hallway leads up to the east wing.

Where you are greeted by a sign.

“This is a Self-Guided Tour.”

And they are not joking.

Let your eyes be your guide.

That and a little pamphlet.

Nobody is telling you what this is or what that is.

Well there is a sign in each room, telling you what the room is.

And what it is used for.

Fortunately we were tipped off ahead of time that the guard in each room is actually a secret weapon.

Not only are they there to watch the room.

And watch you.

But they are also there to answer every single one of your questions.

All you have to do is ask.

No asky, no telly.

So ask we did.

I learned that John Adams, Prez #2, and Thomas Jefferson, Prez #3, had a $1 bet.

Like Randolph and Mortimer Duke.

Except their $1 bet was to see who would live longer.

And the winner is.....

Neither.

They both died July 4.

1826.

The same exact day!

Did you know....

When our commander and his first lady move into that little white house, they get a $100k allowance.

To remodel the place.

Well I learned today that they a) get an allowance.

And b) the Obamas refused to use that money.

Because of the economy being what it is.

They decided to use all of their own money to make their changes.

I also learned that each new President gets to pick any 50 pieces of art.

From any U.S. art gallery.

To put in the house while they are in office.

I learned The White House doesn’t have a front and back.

They have a North and South entrance.

They don’t ever want it to be said that a diplomat was brought in through “the back door.”

I learned that the East Room faces East.

And it seats 100 more people than the State Dining Room.

The Green Room has green walls.

The Red Room has red walls.

But the Blue Room has white walls.

And it's also the home for the White House Christmas tree.

All-in-all, it was amazing.

Amazing, but a little empty.

I’m not sure what I was expecting.

But it didn’t quite get there.

Now if you ever get the chance to go.

GO!

But ask A LOT of questions.