No Waffling Here

I used to love those commercials.

You know the ones where the most sugary of sugary cereals were “part of a well-balanced breakfast.”

And I used to believe those commercials too.

Basically, they placed a big bowl of Cereal X next to a plate of eggs with bacon and toast and orange juice and milk.

The “balanced” part was the fact that they showed about nine food groups.

The “well” part?

I’m still not sure.

But my parents bought the cereal.

And that was all that mattered.

After all, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Mom says it.

Denny says it.

They say it.

"They" include a nutritionist at the Mayo Clinic who said “eating breakfast reduces your hunger later in the day.”

And a website I’ve never heard of said “children who regularly ate breakfast had better test scores and better behavior.”

And the American Dietetic Association who reported that “adults who eat breakfast have an easier time losing weight.”

Now I’ll buy most of that, but as for this stuff about losing weight.

I’m throwing the red challenge flag.

Clearly the ADA has never been to the Waffle House.

That’s where my family and probably a couple hundred thousand of others dined on Sunday morning.

There are more than 1,600 Waffle Houses... Waffle Homes?... across 25 of our great states.

Serving well-balanced breakfasts.

Well balanced, if you count Waffles, Eggs, Bacon, Hash Browns, Chili and Cheese Omelette, Biscuits, Toast.

The Texas Bacon Cheesesteak Melt Sandwich.

And Pecan Pie for dessert.

At least that’s what we had.

All of that.

And we weren’t the only ones.

This is the second time we’ve been to our local Waffle House in 2011.

And both times the place has been packed.

And based on the stats listed at wafflehouse.com, they haven’t had too many empty seats since they opened up.

In 1955.

Since then, the Waffle House has served:

495,264,367 Waffles

957,041,599 Cups of Coffee

1,173,838,328 Hashbrown

370,545,935 Sausage Patties

786,449,152 Bacon Strips

14,899,594 Slices of Ham

1,527,602,959.24 Eggs

22,217,455 Slices of Pie

123,587,123 T-bone Steaks

115,220,427 Hamburger

479,312,699 Glasses of Coke

1,108,574,633 Order of Grits

72,567,509 Cheese n' Eggs

204,164,660 Omelets

And counting.

And we added to it.

Our waitress did a wonderful job of making us feel special.

Her name was Diamond.

In fact, I hadn’t been served this well by a lady named Diamond since the last time I was in Vegas.

My coffee cup never made it below the half-way mark.

Not bad for $1.40.

Take that Starbucks.

In fact the entire meal for five was like $38.

Including the tip.

And the 35 extra cents I paid to upgrade my bread.

To Raisin Toast.

I just wish I would’ve asked for it dry, without butter.

Not that it would’ve mattered.

There’s not a whole lot of things Jenny Craig would eat on that menu.

And they make everything sound so good.

For example, a sign says the T-Bone Steak is “delicious”.

And that the Chicken Noodle soup is “mazing.”

No A.

And that Waffle House is “the World’s Leading Server of REAL Hash Browns.”

And these aren’t just any Hash Browns.

These are REAL.

And you can order them nine different ways:

• Smothered (Sauteed Onions)
• Covered (Melted Cheese)
• Chunked (Grilled Ham)
• Diced (Grilled Tomatoes)
• Peppered (Spicy Jalapenos)
• Capped (Grilled Mushrooms)
• Topped (Bert’s Chili)
• Country (Sausage Gravy)

Or... “All the Way”.

I didn’t ask.

But I’m guessing “All the Way” means 1-8.

Which gets you a free call to 9-1-1.

If there was one thing that didn’t work for me, it was the location of our table.

We were the ones closest to the swinging door, which opened up to the storage area.

The storage area which included a hanging sticky fly trap.

A full hanging sticky fly trap.

In full view.

It looked like they hadn't changed it since 1955.

Honestly I didn’t need to see that to complete the meal.

But it’s amazing how a full plate of well done REAL Hash Browns can distract you from anything.

Well, almost anything.

At one point my son dropped his precious piece of bacon.

In most cases, we play by the five-second rule.

Not at Waffle House.   Too many footsteps.

You drop it, you lose it.

No five-second rule here.

Not for us.

Fortunately there were still plenty of other delicious options to complete his well-balanced meal.

Type 2 Personality

A few weeks ago I was working out at the local gym.

Thankfully that’s not news.

With all that I eat, I try to work out every day.

Or at least every other day.

The news here came after I was done working out.

As I got out of the shower and headed back into the locker room, I noticed that a man was looking at me.

I was wearing nothing but a towel.

And he was wearing nothing but a towel.

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

As I got closer, he said, “I’m sorry for staring at you.”

“But you look just like this guy I went to college with.”

So I asked what college.

He answered my college.

I said that’s my college.

He said, “Are you......?”

I said, “I am.”

And with that, the reunion tour was officially underway.

Now I live a thousand miles from where I went to school.

And school was a million miles ago.

Graduated 20 years back.

22, to be exact.

So to run into somebody from the glory days.

That’s a long-shot.

And being recognized by somebody who hasn’t seen you since before Milli knew Vanilli.

That’s a miracle.

And in this miracle I looked exactly as I did two decades ago?

While wearing just a towel?

Now that’s a real miracle.

And a compliment.

My new friend/old friend told me that he still keeps in touch with a handful of people from the way back machine.

Including an old fraternity brother of mine.

In fact, he said that brother was coming to town in a few weeks.

Which was this week.

“And we should all get together.”

So we did what all the kids do these days.

Friended each other on Facebook.

Is “friended” really a word?

Well within a couple of pings, we had a lunch date.

So yesterday, we grabbed a table for three at a local burger joint.

Within moments, we exchanged pictures of the eight kids we helped bring into this world.

And then we bragged about the swim team.

And the fishing trip.

And the dance competition.

You know all the things that proud papas talk about.

That lasted about two minutes.

The other 98 minutes were spent talking about the golden days.

Well not all 98 minutes.

And not all talking.

I spent the first five minutes listening.

Listening to my fraternity brother tell me how his life changed.

A few years ago.

But this change didn’t involve religion.

Or alcohol.

Or a hot girl.

It involved a test.

And this was one test that you can’t cheat on.

Apparently he had a cholesterol level that was slightly above the norm.

But he took it very seriously.

So seriously that he went in for regular updates.

Ironically it was a test with a positive change that brought in a negative result.

Those results showed the good news about his cholesterol going down.

But the bad news that he had developed diabetes.

A shocking development.

Considering he had no family history of the disease.

And he was far from obese.

He was not exactly the ideal candidate.

But even with the odds in his favor, he had joined a growing list.

A list that won’t stop growing.

In fact a study released in October by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention said that by 2050, one in three adults may have diabetes.

Fortunately/Amazingly, I can’t think of any of my adult friends who are diabetic.

So I was very interested in learning more.

But I had to walk that tight-rope between being supportive.

And being nosy.

He immediately showed me the syringe that he takes everywhere with him.

And he said that he can still eat pretty much everything he wants.

As long as he adds the right amount of insulin to the menu.

It’s just part of his new diet.

And his new life.

And he seems really ok with it.

Which made me feel really ok with it.

Free Your Mind

It has taken awhile.

But my wife has finally given in.

And it wasn’t easy.

But when we finally move into a new home.

We are getting a new dog.

I guess I should say, we are getting another dog.

We are not exactly turning in the old one.

SPORT

We love our little girl, Sport.

Yes, Sport is a girl.

We let our son name her.

And since he has two sisters, he was determined to give the girl dog -- a boy’s name.

Now we have tried twice before to bring a second dog into the mix.

The first time it was Sport’s sister.

Lucy.

But that only lasted a week.

Then we brought in Ryker from a local animal shelter.

But that only lasted a month.

Ryker was a fence jumper.

And our neighbors weren’t impressed.

But the third time is going to be a charm.

In fact, I have already started looking.

As John Wooden said, failing to prepare is preparing to fail.

So this time we are going to get the perfect match for Sport.

In fact just yesterday I decided to go online and search for “Free Puppies”.

It’s not that we are not willing to pay.

And it’s not that we are necessarily looking for a puppy.

But we had to start somewhere.

So I started at FreePuppies.net.

I’m Jewish and I love free.

My wife is Korean and she loves puppies.

How perfect.

At the top of FreePuppies.net is an explanation of exactly who they are:

Welcome to free puppies listings site. FreePuppies.net is a one stop free puppies classifieds to sell, buy and adopt free puppies. Check our puppies for sale section to sell your puppies for free.

“Check our puppies for sale section to sell your puppies for free.”

Huh?

I knew it sounded too good to be true.

Free Puppies?

Newman!

Well they say that nothing in life is free.

But clearly “they” haven’t heard about my 2004 PT Cruiser.

That’s the car my mom recently gave to me.

For free.

Ok, I did have to get the oil changed and radiator flushed.

And the registration.

And it did need a good scrubbing.

Then I did blow that tire.

But hey, the car was free.

Well, it WAS free.

The other night when I got home I shut off the engine and noticed that my “door” light on the dash was lit.

So I figured one of those damn kids left the door ajar.

Have you ever used the word “ajar” without the word door in front of it?

Me neither.

Anywhoo...  I walked around and opened and closed each of the four doors, plus the fifth in the back.

Several times.

I opened and closed so many doors, I felt like Monty Hall.

And still I couldn’t get that light to go off.

So I decided I would give the car a little ride down the block and by some miracle it would go away.

I hadn’t even left the driveway when I realized that not only was the door light still on.

But every meter on the dashboard was no longer working.

The speed-o-meter.

The od-o-meter.

The oil-o-meter.

But the dome light was working just fine.

In fact, it wouldn't shut off.

Ok, now we’ve got a problem.

This was Friday night.

At around 9p.

So every mechanic was closed.

But I figured if I left the car in the driveway all night, with the dome light on, the car battery would be dead by morning.

Sharp, I am.

So I drove the car to the local mechanic and left it there.

This way it would already be there in the morning.

When I went back at 7:45am, the door light was still on.

And the dome light was still on.

But the car started up right away.

Made no sense to me.

But it was in good hands now.

And a few hours after they got a look at the car.

My phone rang.

Apparently the dingledorf on the doohickey had a thingamabob near the whatschamacallit.

All I heard was rhubarb and garbage, peas and carrots.

The bottom line is.

The dash was dead.

But the good news is it will only take 5-7 days to fix.

Well, 5-7 business days.

And $650.

Including tax.

Of course, I said yes.

What choice did I really have.

Good thing the car was free.

Just like the new puppy.