Born This Way

11 bad words.

There were 11 “bad words” during the recent HBO special featuring Lady Gaga’s concert at Madison Square Garden.

This, according to my seven-year old daughter.

Well we stopped counting at 11.

That’s when she fell asleep.

In my arms.

She loved the show, but it was getting late.

But never too late for a vocabulary lesson.

The F word.

The A word.

The B word.

The D word.

The C word.

It was like Sesame Street.

For sailors.

But my kids loved the show.

All three of them.

And they love Gaga.

Just like I do.

I’m not sure if letting my kids listen to the music.

Or watch the videos.

Or watch that concert.

Is the best idea.

(Are the best idea?)

But I really do enjoy exposing the kids to culture.

Exposing.

Yeah, that’s the right word.

Come on, how cute was this.

Gaga dedicates her song “Boys Boys Boys” to all her gay friends.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Then her male dancers do things that made me blush.

And throughout the performance my seven-year old was singing every word.

Father of the year, here I come.

Hey listen, these kids aren’t getting any younger.

And I better enjoy every moment.

My youngest will be a third grader next year.

The middle child will be in... middle school.

And child #1 -- my sweet innocent 14-year old little angel -- will be a freshman.

IN HIGH SCHOOL!

Ouch.

In fact, high school has already started.

Sorta.

One day after her eighth grade graduation she had a big day out with some of the girls from her new high school dance team.

I was the chaperone.

The responsible one.

(Insert joke here.)

So I picked the girls up at school, after their team practice.

And took them to Red Robin.

Where the french fries are “endless”.

And the burgers are $10!

After lunch we walked around the local mall for a couple of hours.

I stayed far enough away.

To stay out of the way.

But close enough to listen.

Hey, a man’s gotta blog.

On our way to the restaurant, I thought it would be a good job to create conversation.

So I asked what kind of dance Billy Elliott did.

(I knew the answer, but I was just trying to fit in.)

So much for that plan.

One of the girls said... “Billy Elliott... I think he did Tae-bo.”

At which point another girl jumped in, “no, that wasn’t Billy Elliott.”

“That was Billy Blanks.”

Maybe I should just keep quiet.

And so I did.

That gave me time to take notes.

And learn.

I learned that Coke Plus is “Coke with Vitamins.”

I learned that eggs and cheese don’t go on a salad.

And I learned that black dance shoes make your feet sweat more than tan ones.

“Because they are black.”

“Even indoors?”, asked one girl to another.

“Uh, yah!”

Duh.

The girls apparently learned something too.

They learned that my 2004 P.T. Cruiser doesn’t have electric door locks.

Something they had CLEARLY never seen before.

And they had to do it themselves.

That right there almost sent them straight to therapy.

When we got to the mall, we had plenty of time to go to every store.

And I think they just about did.

Soap stores.

T-shirts.

Cute jeans.

Foot massagers.

There was a whole lot of perusing.

Not a lot of buying.

But they were all having fun.

And that was the goal.

I was having fun too.

I plopped in my earphones and listened to sports radio.

What a beautiful day.

At one point, I stopped in a music store -- while they were next door looking at more clothes.

And just my luck, there was a giant SALE going on.

Imagine that, a SALE sign in a mall.

So I took advantage of that SALE and bought a CD.

The new CD from...

Lady Gaga, who else.

The double disk version.

Only the best for me.

When I got back to the girls they saw the bag in my hand.

And of course they wanted to know what I got.

So I showed them.

I think I got a lot of “cool” points for that one.

But those points went away seconds later.

“Hey did they have the new J.B. in there?”

“Um, J.B.?????”, I stuttered.

“Justin Bieber?”

“Oh,” I quietly mumbled.

“I didn’t see it there.”

So much for those cool points.

Not my fault.

I was born this way.

Car Games

T.G.I.F.

Thank God It’s February.

I don’t think I could afford one more day of January.

You see I had this brilliant idea at the start of the month to keep the kids entertained.

As you may recall, 2010 ended with me getting a brand new car.

My mom’s 2004 P.T. Cruiser.

So me being me, I told the kids I would give them a quarter for every P.T. Cruiser we saw during the first month of the year.

I figured it would be a fun way to keep them busy.

And help the time fly by.

And at the end of the month, we could take the kids and the money we owe them to 7/11 for a couple of Slurpees.

Over the years, I’ve been part of quite a few road trips.

San Diego to Chicago.

My mom and I ran into an electrical storm in Nebraska that was so strong, it still scares me to this day.

But that’s when she told me that I can’t control lightning.

And you should never worry about things you can’t control.

Unfortunately it didn’t work then.

And it doesn’t work now.

Los Angeles to Las Vegas.

Hartford to Quebec City.

Four of us made that trip.   

In the dead of winter.   

I’m not sure what was more frozen.

The ice at the Nordiques hockey game.

Or the ice on the highways.

Talk about scary.

Los Angeles to Las Vegas.

Cleveland to Toronto.

My wife and I made that trip.

We were running a little late.

So when we got to Niagara Falls, I pulled a Chevy Chase from Vacation.

Nodded a couple of times at those amazing waterfalls.

And said we gotta go.

We... I didn't want to be late for the Blue Jays game.

Classy move, I know.

Los Angeles to Las Vegas.

Yes, I love driving to Vegas.

Its the trip home that sucks.

Especially the one in college when I left most of my rent money on a craps table.

But no matter where you are going.

Or who you are going with.

The goal is always the same.

Help time fly by.

Whether its 99 bottles of beer.

The song, not the drinks.

Or seeing how many out-of-state license plates you can find.

If you can make a 10-hour trip feel like eight.

You win.

Nowadays parents like to use a different device to hypnotize the kids in the car.

The DVD player.

And it works.

But sometimes things can get out of hand.

Your honor, Exhibit 1A:

I was with a friend the other day who put on a movie in the car for their kids to watch.

The trip we were taking was from their home.

To the grocery store.

Five minutes away.

Really.

You can’t even watch the credits in five minutes.

We have one of those DVD players in our car too.

But we’ve never turned it on.

Never.

I’m not saying we are better than anyone.

I’m just sayin.

But once you’ve turned it on, there’s no turning back.

We feel it is a lot more important to conversate with our kids.

Teach them new words.

Like conversate.

Introduce them to some of our favorite things.

I love to turn on Howard Stern to see how many seconds it takes before he says something they shouldn’t hear.

I think the max is two seconds. 

And there’s always the opportunity to just talk to them.

Learn about them.

For example, just today, we were driving home from school.

Out of nowhere, my daughter says...

“I hate throwing up.”

Ok.

So my wife responded as any caring parent would.

“You won’t always feel that way.”

“What?”, said my little girl.

“I won’t always hate throwing up?”

“Oh, throwing up.   I thought you said growing up.”

“Oh.   Yeah, you’ll never like that.”

Every moment we spend with the kids is precious.

And the times in the car are among the best.

With the least distractions.

And this P.T. Cruiser game was something we all got to enjoy.

But as the days went on... and the quarters piled up.

They were really into it.

This was real cash.

In fact, at month’s end, the tally reached a whopping $29.50.

Yep, we saw 118 P.T. Cruisers in one month.

118?

I didn’t know they made that many.

But hopefully long after each kid has spent their $9.833333333.

They will remember our car rides.

And smile.