Chicken Fight

There’s a great little coffee shop down the street from where we live.

It’s actually more diner than coffee shop.

But when it comes to smothered breakfast burritos, there is none better.

At least there was none better.

Six years ago.

The last time I went.

Nothing against the food, but something much bigger than the burrito has made me stay away.

No, not Jenny Craig.

Something much more divine.

I didn’t notice it the first time I went.

Or maybe the second.

But eventually I picked up that this place was more Jerry Falwell than Jerry’s Deli.

More Robert Schuller than Bob Evans.  

Every waiter was wearing a tie.

A tie with a bunch of crosses on it.

The pictures were not pictures.

They were pictures of scriptures.

And the music was not songs of Faith Hill.

Just songs of faith.

Hey I’ve got nothing against faith.

Or Faith Hill.

Nothing against scriptures.

And I certainly have nothing against smothered breakfast burritos.

But from my side of the tracks, there’s just no mixing church and steak.

And when I finally picked up that this was more a worship house than a Waffle House, I had to pull the plug.

As painful as that was.

Hey I’m a big believer in religion.

Whatever religion.

If it works for you.

For me, not so much.

Oh, I believe in God.

And I believe in believing.

But this organized religion stuff just isn’t for me.

Not in schools.

Not in politics.

And definitely not in restaurants.

Maybe that’s why this Chick-fil-A controversy has really made me sick to my stomach.

If you’ve been hiding for the last few weeks, let me get you caught up.

Dan Cathy is the President of Chick-fil-A.

Chick-fil-A is a fast-food chain.

A Christian-based fast-food chain.

So Christian, they close on Sundays.

So Christian, Cathy recently did an interview with some newspaper called the Biblical Recorder.

In that interview the subject of marriage came up.

More specifically, gay marriage.

And Cathy said this:

“We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit.  We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that.”

“We intend to stay the course.  We know that it might not be popular with everyone, but thank the Lord, we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on biblical principles.”

That interview came two weeks after he said this on a radio show about the same subject:

"I think we are inviting God's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say, 'We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage.  I pray God's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about."

Now whether you believe what Cathy is saying or not.

And I definitely do not.

That’s not the issue.

The issue is that instead of asking me if I want fries with that.

He is telling me how other people should live their lives.

He is telling me... and you... that no matter what makes you happy, if you are not playing by his rules, you can’t play.


Not to mention that Chick-fil-a has donated millions of dollars to anti-gay organizations, who shockingly oppose same-sex marriage.


Organizations, "whose primary focus is to dehumanize LGPT people and to pass laws that treat us as second-class citizens."


This according to "Equality Florida", an advocacy group for the gay community in ... Florida.


Ok... here’s the deal.

Does Cathy have the right to say what he said?

Absolutely.

The same way I have the right to get my fried chicken at KFC.

Or Popeye’s.

Or Church’s.

Uh... bad example.

I’ve been to Chick-Fil-A before.

Many times before.

But I won’t be going again.

I swear.

No matter how spicy that Spicy Chicken Deluxe Sandwich is.

Or how waffly those Waffle Fries are.

I don’t care how many times you deep fry my nuggets.

I’m not going.

Not even when you bring back that unbelievable gift of God called the Peppermint Chocolate Chip Milkshake.

I’m sure the fact that I disagree with what Cathy said has helped me reach this decision.

But the bottom line is there’s a time and a place for everything.

And everyone.

And the drive-thru window is no place to be handed a copy of the old testament.

Or the new one either.

Praise the Lewd

Before we met up with the rest of the kids to start the journey we grabbed a quick breakfast with my stepmother.

She moved from one coast to the other after my dad passed away nearly nine years ago.

The five of us had breakfast at Bob Evans.

Baltimore's version of Denny’s.

I had Bob’s version of a chili-cheese omelette with potatoes and biscuits.

Don’t worry, I got the egg whites.

Diet?

We don’t need no stinkin’ diet.

Knowing full well that nutrition won’t be an option on this trip, I thought spending 44 minutes on the hotel elliptical machine this morning would make a lot of sense.

So I got my butt up at 7:30.

The rest of me came about a half hour later.

Midway through my huffing and puffing a nice lady came in to take on the empty treadmill next to me.

One of my rituals when I work out is listening to Howard Stern.

Something about mixing smut with sweat makes for a perfect calorie burner.

Of course I always use headphones.

I would hate to offend anyone.

I guess she didn’t feel the same.

While I was listening to Howard, she grabbed the remote and flipped on the teevee.

Turned on some guy named Joel Osteen.

If it wasn’t Sunday morning I wouldn’t know Joel Osteen from Claude Osteen.

But I quickly figured out that he was one of them TV Evangelists.

And I learned even quickerer that the lady next to me LOVES him.

So much so that she turned the volume up.

To 42.

Really.

I counted.

And as she walked, she smiled.

And laughed.

And as I elllipticalled, I smiled.

And laughed.

Two different people.

Listening to two COMPLETELY different shows.

Having the same reaction.

Ain’t that America.