Payback is a... Field Goal

I’ve never been much of a practical joker.

And there’s good reason for that.

I really HATE it when the joke is pulled on me.

For example, about a million years ago I had a job in LA and one night, against my better judgment, I let someone borrow my car to go get us dinner.

After a while, one of my co-workers came in and told me that my car had been in an accident.

A few VERY LONG minutes after that, the driver of my car came back with dinner and informed me that they were fine, the car was fine and the joke was on me.

Well the joke may have been on me, but the hamburger, fries and chocolate shake that I had ordered were all over the wall.

And the floor.

And anywhere else it may have landed.

I was young and had a temper back then.   

Thanks to Miss Cleo, I am fine now.

Honestly, I cannot remember the last time I pulled a practical joke on someone, but I can make a pretty good guess.

The year was 1985 and I was 17 years ago.

My father had recently remarried and I had acquired two stepbrothers and a stepsister in the deal.

I guess I was trying to be the cool kid on the block when I pulled some type of prank on the stepbrother who was my age. 

Honestly I have no recollection of what it was or what I did.

But what I do remember, to this day, is when he said to me, “I will get you back.”

“It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but when you least expect it, it will happen.”

OMFG.

The idea that somebody has a free pass to pay you back from something that you did and you have absolutely no control over when or where that will happen was way too much for me to handle.

Here we are 25+ years later and he still hasn’t paid me back.

In fact, he is living on the other side of the world and we don’t even talk anymore.

I’m guessing he doesn’t even remember he said it.

But I do.

In fact, my memory is pretty skippy sharp when it comes to most things.

Well, most irrelevant things.

Like baseball games from 1983 or U2 B-sides from 1987 or Seinfeld lines from 1993.

Or going to a Raiders-Broncos game with my then eight-year old son and watching our beloved and miserable Raiders team have a victory taken away from us because of a time out.

Here’s what happened.

The date was September 16, 2007.

My son and I went to Invesco Field at Mile High to watch the visiting Raiders face their rivals from Denver.

We were both decked out in Oakland Silver and Black, but he was even more over the top with a Raiders uniform and bandana.

And some eye black to complete the deal.

Not a good outfit in the enemy’s backyard.

But who would beat up an eight-year old kid?   

It’s not like we were in Oakland.

Somehow our underdog team took the game into overtime.

And it appeared that we had won the game when our kicker Sebastian Janikowski nailed a 52-year field goal.

My son jumped into my arms as the stadium volume went mute.

The pathetic Oakland Raiders had actually won a game.

And we were there to see it.

Amazing.

Um, not so fast.

While we were celebrating, the referees informed the crowd that Denver Head Coach Mike Shanahan, who was formerly Oakland Head Coach Mike Shanahan, had called a timeout milliseconds before the play started.

Yada yada yada...  seconds later Janikowski missed the next attempt, the Broncos went on to win and my son and I limped home.

So what does all of this have to do with revenge?

Fast forward to Sunday.

Shanahan, now coaching in Washington, was facing his protege, Gary Kubiak, now the Head Coach with Houston.

Well, the game goes into OT and Shanahan’s kicker is setting up for a game-winning 52-yard field goal.

Sound familiar?

The snap, the place, the kick is good.

The Redskins and Shanahan win!!!!!

Wait, what’s that?

Kubiak called a time-out milliseconds before the play started?

He can’t do that.   That’s Shanahan’s move.

Not this time.

As you have probably figured out, Shanahan’s kicker missed the second attempt.

And Houston came right down the field and kicked its own field goal to win the game.

Somewhere my stepbrother is smiling.