Testing.... 1-2-3

Two weeks ago we moved in with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law.

And ever since we got here, they’ve been trying to kill me.

Literally.

A few days ago I went with Jim on his four-and-a-half mile run through the dirt trails around his neighborhood.

He likes to take the two dogs with him to tire them out.

I’m not much of a runner, so I followed on my bike.

About ten seconds in, I was gasping for air.

I don’t know if it was the unpaved roads.

Or the altitude.

Or the extra 10 pounds I put on in New York.

But I was lucky to escape that ride with my life.

Not to mention a very sore rear end.

But they weren’t done there.

Next came Cindy’s invitation to try a Cardio Kickboxing class at her local gym.

She’s been talking about the class since we got here.

So we tried it.

Me, my wife, my 13-year old daughter and Cindy.

I’m not sure if it was the house music or the actual exercise, but two-and-a-half songs in, I was huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf.

But I tough’d it out.

The best that I could.

There was some chart on the wall at the front of the class talking about an Anaerobic Threshold.

All I knew is that I could barely breathe.

With about 15 minutes to go, we got our final water break.

I joked to the guy next to me, if I called the paramedics now, they’d be there by the end of the class.

Actually, I’m not sure I was joking.

But somehow I passed that test too.

The fact that I was still standing must’ve been killing my in-laws.

I’m sure they thought the bike would get rid of me.

Or the kickboxing.

But even though I was wobbling like a weeble, I still wouldn’t fall down.

Since they were not able to destroy me physically, the next test was going straight for my self-confidence.

Enter Zumba.

Before today I thought Zumba was a small country in Western Africa where all the marathon runners came from.

Clearly geometry was never my strength.

Actually Zumba is what you get when you mix Jane Fonda’s workout video with Salsa Dancing.

And unfortunately for me I had no idea what the class was all about until after it started.

But it didn’t take me long to figure out that I was in the wrong place.

At the wrong time.

I stood out like a sore thumb at a gardening convention.

And to make it worse I was wearing my bright orange workout shirt.

And to make it worserer, I was the ONLY guy there.

60 girls, 1 guy.

Me.

In college, that might’ve been a dream.

But today, this was a nightmare.

So I positioned myself in the back of the room, right in the middle, trying to stay out of sight.

Because I was clearly out of my mind.

That strategy worked well, until the highly-caffeinated instructor had us all do one of those 360 degree moves.

You know the one, where all 60 women rotate their hips all the way around.

So they can get a good look at the clumsy guy with the bright orange shirt in the back of the room.

The first time they did the 360 move, I was embarrassed.

The seventh time, I was ready to cry.

But I kept a stiff upper lip, which blended well with my flabby midsection.

And with just a few minutes left in class, I could clearly see the finish line.

Unfortunately what I couldn’t see was the finale.

Proud Mary.

Cool, I thought.

I love that song.

Not anymore.

After today, I hope I never hear that song again.

Before I heard Tina, or Ike, I heard the instructor cut the room in half.

And then she asked us to rotate a half turn to our right.

In other words, my secret hiding place in the back of the room had now left me right next to Bob Uecker.

In the front row.

The only thing missing was an actual spotlight.

But between my bright orange short and my brighter red face, you couldn’t miss me.

And for the next three minutes and seven seconds, Proud Mary became the longest song I had ever heard in my life.

Longer than Freebird.

But I twisted and turned my way through the song.

Rollin on a river.

The best that I could.

When it was over, I was ready to crawl in a hole.

But I survived.

Again.

Thankfully, the class ended five minutes later after a cool down.

And somehow, for the first time since 3rd grade, I had passed three tests in a row.

I can only imagine what is next.