And The Winner Is......

I’ve always loved the Academy Awards.

Probably more than I love the actual movies.

I usually skip the red carpet.

But I always enjoy the show.

That's when we see the actors look nothing like the roles we are praising them for.

Christian Bale has a bushy beard.

Geoffrey Rush has no hair. 

Natalie Portman is pregnant.  

Annette Bening is straight.

Who knew?

We TiVo’d the awards to turn the 3+ hour show into less than two.

I enjoyed watching the show through my kids’ eyes.

Like when Tom Hanks introduced Gone with the Wind.

“He was in that movie?,” my 12-year old son said.

“Wow, he is old.”

Then he noticed Hanks “sounds exactly like that train guy from Polar Express.”

That’s when his much older and much wiser 13-year old sister informed him.

“That’s because he IS that train guy from Polar Express."

Oh.

Of all the films nominated, I saw four of them.

Inception.

The Fighter.

Tangled.

Salt.

When Melissa Leo won Best Supporting Actress for The Fighter, everyone in our house got a little something.

I was excited somebody won from one of the movies I saw.

My daughter thought it was cool how different she looked in real life.

And this one just might surprise you.

My son loved her f-bomb.

The speeches are always a highlight.

Do you think the cinematographer from Inception will love re-watching his moment in the spotlight?

The speech where he left his eye glasses resting on his forehead.

He may want to consult an editor.

Our bedroom was quiet when Kirk Douglas started talking.

For all of the wrong reasons.

I broke the silence, explaining to the kids what a stroke is.

I knew my kids had no idea who Kirk Douglas was.

But I was surprised they didn’t know Michael Douglas either.

My seven-year old daughter asked.

“Is he from The Blind Side?”

“No,” my son responded.  “That was Michael Oher.”

Of course, you can see how she could get confused.

Michael Douglas is a 5-foot-1, 66-years old actor.

Michael Oher is a 6-foot-4 (313 pound), 24-year old football player.

I was amused by my daughter’s confusion.

My son was offended.

Offended that a member of his immediate family didn’t know every member of the Baltimore Ravens offensive line. 

Aaron Sorkin thanked a guy with the same name as one of the owners in my fantasy basketball league.   

“Don't we know him?,” my son said.

Uh.... that would be a no.

I learned that my 13-year old daughter believes How to Train Your Dragon is “the best movie I've ever seen in my life."

Did you ever notice Russell Brand looks exactly like Weird Al Yankovic?   

Except Brand is married to Katy Perry.

And Weird Al is speed dating at a Denny's.

(Yes I know Weird Al has been married for 10 years, but I’m not one to pass at a joke.)

Humor is a funny thing.

Like when Oscars host James Franco made fun of Charlie Sheen.

I giggled.

But when he called the nominated animators “nerds”.

I thought, be careful Jimmy.

Don’t bite the workers that feed you.

I don’t think my 13-year old daughter had heard of the best foreign film.

But she quickly noticed the winner had “really bad pit stains”.

If you thought Christian Bale was hard to understand in The Fighter.

How about his real accent.

Did he forget his wife’s name?

When did Trent Reznor become a Hollywood fuddy-duddy.

Didn’t he used to be a rock star?

At 9:04pm, we informed the kids they had one more segment before it was bedtime.

That announcement came just moments before the Academy Award for Sound Mixing.

Which went to Inception.

Which was followed by the winner kissing her wife.

Yes, kissing HER wife.

F-Bombs, Girl on Girl.   

They really are trying to target a younger audience.

Unfortunately for the Oscars, they lost my younger audience at 9:17pm.

Bedtime for the kids.

But my wife and I watched the rest of the show.

The worst winning speech of the night.

The woman from Alice in Wonderland.

Reading off her index card.

Reading.

Word for word.

Really?

Is that Johnny Depp or Elijah Wood in Alice?

Can you believe Randy Newman, the guy who wrote "short people have no reason to live" has 20 Oscar Nominations? 

He's now won twice.

What was a more unlikely pair at the Oscars?

Anne Hathaway and James Franco hosting.

Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton partnering.

Or Chuck and Mandy Moore singing.

I loved the end when Chuck winked at her. 

Yuck.

Anne Hathaway had more costume changes than Lady Gaga.

Where did the other half of Jennifer Hudson go?  

Weight Watchers had the best commercial of the night.

And they didn’t even buy a 30-second spot.

I preferred Gwyneth Paltrow singing F.U. at the Grammy's.

But that girl can sure belt it.

My wife found out tonight that Leslie Nielsen died.

Three months ago.

Thanks to Celine Dion, this year we didn’t have to hear the crowd clap for their favorite dead people.

The late editors never get any love.

Hard to believe it has only been a year since Sandra Bullock thanked Jesse James.

Ironic one of the nominees she honored this year was named Jesse.

This whole time I didn’t know the difference between Colin Firth and Colin Farrell.

I'm guessing Farrell would’ve given a much better winning speech.

It's amazing how bad Oscar speeches can be without a script.

But we'll always come back for more.

At least I will.

My Blind Date

Right now my wife is so busy, she doesn’t have time to read my blog.

Sometimes that's probably a good thing.

She’s taking care of three kids.

And a dog.

And working full-time.

All with her husband living the bachelor/lonely life on the other side of the country.

We still talk quite a bit and she pretty much gets the phone version of everything I’ve been writing here.

But I’m about to share something with you that I haven’t even told her.

Tonight, I have a date.

At 9:30.

And it’s not just any date.

I’ve been thinking about this person night and day for quite a while.

And I’m really looking forward to getting some quality 1-to-1 time.

Now before you erase me from your bookmarks and curse me out, lets cut the to chase.

The person is my 11-year old son.

And we have a Skype date.

Its not the first time my son and I will be Skyping, but this one is pretty special.

You see a few weeks ago I had to have a man-to-son talk with the little, well not so little anymore, fella about life.

No, not THAT talk.

We let the Assistant Principal take care of that one.

This talk was about staying out of trouble.

Now when I say trouble, I am thrilled to say it’s not REAL trouble.

But for whatever reason, I noticed him heading down a path where the cobblestone was getting a little bumpy.


Maybe it was being an 11-year old boy in a home full of girls, including the dog.


Maybe it was just being an 11-year old boy.

So a few weeks ago, he and I spoke, monitor-to-monitor, and I laid down the law.

It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t easy, but it sure was necessary.

Thanks to the Skype line, I could see perfectly when his chin fell down to his chest as I delivered a stern message.

I’m not a big believer in idle threats, so when I issued the penalty if things didn’t improve, he knew I meant it.

I made it VERY clear that I was not expecting 100% perfection, 100% of the time.

But what I was expecting was recognizing when you made a mistake and correcting it immediately before it got worse.

If you tease your sister, actually WHEN you tease your sister, you need to find that voice in your head to say -- STOP!!!!

If you get a bad grade on your homework or bomb a test, you’d better figure out why it happened and make sure the next one is better.

My wife has been keeping a close eye on the situation and I’ve been monitoring his progress from afar.

And last night I learned just how far we’ve come.

Last night, for the first time in about a week, I got a chance to Skype with the family.

97 minutes worth.

Right about in the middle, my son told me -- without being asked --- that about a week ago, he took a test in school on a book that he had just read.

His score was 5 out of 10.

Before I said anything, he told me that he had indeed read the book, but he must’ve just “lost his focus.”

I wish I had no idea what he was talking about, but that’s definitely not the case.

So when he got the results back, obviously he was very disappointed -- and I’m sure my upcoming deadline for turning things around was ringing through his head.

So he decided to spend last weekend reading two new books.

When he returned to school on Monday, he took the tests on those.

The results were a 9 out of 10 and a 10 out of 10.

I could see the smile on his face as he delivered that news.

But I think he was just as happy to share with me the part about failing the first exam and figuring out, on his own, how to make it better.

I don’t know if he could see it through the monitor, but his story and his honesty warmed my heart.

Now as for that date.

He just picked up a copy of the Michael Lewis book, The Blind Side.

You know The Blind Side.

Its the story of Sandra Bullock winning an Oscar, tearfully thanking her wonderful husband, who is also crying, only to find out a few days later that he’s been sleeping with more people than a teddy bear.

Oh............. that’s HER real story.

The real Blind Side is the true story of football player Michael Oher.   The story that helped Bullock win that Oscar.

Well, anyhoo....

I just got a copy of that book here with me and tonight my son and I are going to read it out loud to each other, via Skype.

Pretending, for at least one night, that we are not thousands of miles apart.

It is a perfect way to celebrate his progress.

And a perfect date.