And The Winner Is......

I’ve always loved the Academy Awards.

Probably more than I love the actual movies.

I usually skip the red carpet.

But I always enjoy the show.

That's when we see the actors look nothing like the roles we are praising them for.

Christian Bale has a bushy beard.

Geoffrey Rush has no hair. 

Natalie Portman is pregnant.  

Annette Bening is straight.

Who knew?

We TiVo’d the awards to turn the 3+ hour show into less than two.

I enjoyed watching the show through my kids’ eyes.

Like when Tom Hanks introduced Gone with the Wind.

“He was in that movie?,” my 12-year old son said.

“Wow, he is old.”

Then he noticed Hanks “sounds exactly like that train guy from Polar Express.”

That’s when his much older and much wiser 13-year old sister informed him.

“That’s because he IS that train guy from Polar Express."

Oh.

Of all the films nominated, I saw four of them.

Inception.

The Fighter.

Tangled.

Salt.

When Melissa Leo won Best Supporting Actress for The Fighter, everyone in our house got a little something.

I was excited somebody won from one of the movies I saw.

My daughter thought it was cool how different she looked in real life.

And this one just might surprise you.

My son loved her f-bomb.

The speeches are always a highlight.

Do you think the cinematographer from Inception will love re-watching his moment in the spotlight?

The speech where he left his eye glasses resting on his forehead.

He may want to consult an editor.

Our bedroom was quiet when Kirk Douglas started talking.

For all of the wrong reasons.

I broke the silence, explaining to the kids what a stroke is.

I knew my kids had no idea who Kirk Douglas was.

But I was surprised they didn’t know Michael Douglas either.

My seven-year old daughter asked.

“Is he from The Blind Side?”

“No,” my son responded.  “That was Michael Oher.”

Of course, you can see how she could get confused.

Michael Douglas is a 5-foot-1, 66-years old actor.

Michael Oher is a 6-foot-4 (313 pound), 24-year old football player.

I was amused by my daughter’s confusion.

My son was offended.

Offended that a member of his immediate family didn’t know every member of the Baltimore Ravens offensive line. 

Aaron Sorkin thanked a guy with the same name as one of the owners in my fantasy basketball league.   

“Don't we know him?,” my son said.

Uh.... that would be a no.

I learned that my 13-year old daughter believes How to Train Your Dragon is “the best movie I've ever seen in my life."

Did you ever notice Russell Brand looks exactly like Weird Al Yankovic?   

Except Brand is married to Katy Perry.

And Weird Al is speed dating at a Denny's.

(Yes I know Weird Al has been married for 10 years, but I’m not one to pass at a joke.)

Humor is a funny thing.

Like when Oscars host James Franco made fun of Charlie Sheen.

I giggled.

But when he called the nominated animators “nerds”.

I thought, be careful Jimmy.

Don’t bite the workers that feed you.

I don’t think my 13-year old daughter had heard of the best foreign film.

But she quickly noticed the winner had “really bad pit stains”.

If you thought Christian Bale was hard to understand in The Fighter.

How about his real accent.

Did he forget his wife’s name?

When did Trent Reznor become a Hollywood fuddy-duddy.

Didn’t he used to be a rock star?

At 9:04pm, we informed the kids they had one more segment before it was bedtime.

That announcement came just moments before the Academy Award for Sound Mixing.

Which went to Inception.

Which was followed by the winner kissing her wife.

Yes, kissing HER wife.

F-Bombs, Girl on Girl.   

They really are trying to target a younger audience.

Unfortunately for the Oscars, they lost my younger audience at 9:17pm.

Bedtime for the kids.

But my wife and I watched the rest of the show.

The worst winning speech of the night.

The woman from Alice in Wonderland.

Reading off her index card.

Reading.

Word for word.

Really?

Is that Johnny Depp or Elijah Wood in Alice?

Can you believe Randy Newman, the guy who wrote "short people have no reason to live" has 20 Oscar Nominations? 

He's now won twice.

What was a more unlikely pair at the Oscars?

Anne Hathaway and James Franco hosting.

Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton partnering.

Or Chuck and Mandy Moore singing.

I loved the end when Chuck winked at her. 

Yuck.

Anne Hathaway had more costume changes than Lady Gaga.

Where did the other half of Jennifer Hudson go?  

Weight Watchers had the best commercial of the night.

And they didn’t even buy a 30-second spot.

I preferred Gwyneth Paltrow singing F.U. at the Grammy's.

But that girl can sure belt it.

My wife found out tonight that Leslie Nielsen died.

Three months ago.

Thanks to Celine Dion, this year we didn’t have to hear the crowd clap for their favorite dead people.

The late editors never get any love.

Hard to believe it has only been a year since Sandra Bullock thanked Jesse James.

Ironic one of the nominees she honored this year was named Jesse.

This whole time I didn’t know the difference between Colin Firth and Colin Farrell.

I'm guessing Farrell would’ve given a much better winning speech.

It's amazing how bad Oscar speeches can be without a script.

But we'll always come back for more.

At least I will.