Monday Night Foot-In-The-Mouth

I’ve done plenty of stupid things in my life.

Most of them in college.

But somehow I survived.

Somehow.

I’ve said plenty of stupid things in my life as well.

Many of them on this here blog I’m sure.

Sometimes the words just come out of the mouth.

Before the brain can stop them.

I call it the -- Fire, Ready, Aim syndrome.

I could give you the billboard top 100 of my screw-ups.

But for today, lets jump straight to #1.

The undisputed champ.

It goes a little something like this.

A few years ago I got a surprise call from a former colleague.

A friend.

Out of the blue.

“Hey, it’s a voice from your past.”

Wow!

I said.

In my head.

Fondly recalling how much I enjoyed working with him.

But instead of saying...

“What a great surprise.”

Or...

“How are you?”

Or...

“How is the family?”

I went outside the box.

“How’s the hair?”

Yep.

“How’s the hair?”

Holy Dan Quayle Batman!

Before my brain could find the emergency shutoff switch, I somehow fit my entire size 11 directly into my mouth.

Somehow.

“How’s the hair?”

What the hell does that mean anyway?

My colleague, who probably once considered me a friend, said the only thing he could.

“What?”

And there it was.

My opening.

Now this is when someone with half a brain would crumple up paper in the phone and hit the disconnect button.

Or scream -- “I said, HOW ARE THINGS OVER THERE?”

Or “do you like your steak rare?”

Or anything that rhymes with “hair”.

Except the word HAIR.

But instead, I said it again.

“How’s the hair?”

Yikes.

After nearly an entire quarter-second of his fake -- nervous -- laughter.

I told him I always liked his hair.

PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!

Believe it or not that was the last time we spoke.

It’s been about eight years now.

I have always looked forward to the day that I run into him.

In person.

I always wanted the opportunity to explain to him, face-to-face, what really happened.

It’s very simple.

Brain fart!

Period.

That’s it.

Nothing more.

Unfortunately I’ve never had that chance.

And who knows if I will.

I can’t do this apology in 140 characters.

Or less.

So tweeting is not an option.

Neither is texting.

Can you imagine his horror if he saw an email from me in his inbox.

Subject:  HAIR APOLOGY.

How ‘bout an old fashioned phone call?

Really?

Oh the damage I could do on that call.

Amazingly he did friend me on facebook a couple of years ago.

And I immediately accepted.

We exchanged some very basic greetings.

(I think I read mine out loud 1400 times before hitting send.)

Hey let’s face it, we are all capable of saying stupid things.

George W. made a career of it.

And he somehow got re-elected.

Somehow.

There are certainly no rules on who is capable of saying stupid things.

I’ve done it.

You’ve done it.

Jessica Simpson’s done it.

Anybody can join this club.

And today we welcome a new member.

Hank Williams Jr..

Oh Henry.


He must’ve had one too many before his interview with the Fox News Channel on Monday morning.

Or he is just plain stupid.

Coin flip.

Comparing President Obama to Rutherford B. Hayes.

Perhaps.

They both claim to have gone to Harvard Law School.

Comparing Obama to Larry Bird.

Perhaps.

They both did things no man of (their) color have done before.

But comparing Obama to Hitler.

On National TV.

Yes, that Hitler.

Is there another?

Really Junior?

That's almost too much for the Fox News Channel.

Almost.

There are at least six million reasons why Hank shouldn't have gone there.

And he still went there.


Actually what Hank Jr. said is not stupid.


It's a whole lot worse.


That's not an off the top of the head brain fart, "How's the Hair?"


What Hank said on Monday morning is exactly how he felt.


Which is the scariest thing of all.


Comparing OUR President, whether you like him or not.


To Adolf Hitler!

Are you ready for some backlash?

He better be.

Other than a high five or two at the Rick Perry Family Ranch, Hank took a hit in court of public opinion.

ESPN instantly removed Hank from the start of their Monday Night Football broadcast.

Something he’s been doing for 20 years.

But this is America.

And despite his despicable choice of words, Hank Williams Jr. will somehow live to sing another day.

Somehow.