The New York Nix

I am the Commissioner of my Fantasy Basketball league.

Have been since 1993.

When we started this league.

18 years later, we are stronger than ever.

We lasted longer than Shaq.

Even longer than Tom Gugliotta.

We’ve survived two lockouts.

We’ve had 44 owners.

And co-owners.

We have a rookie draft.

A waiver draft.

A pre-season auction.

International players.

Development league players.

Performance raises.

Three websites.

We play head-to-head.

And overall.

I could keep going.

But here’s the point.

As the Commissioner of this league, I take this thing very seriously.

We.. take this thing very seriously.

That’s probably why we’ve lasted this long.

We do everything we can to run our “fantasy” league exactly like the NBA runs its “real” league.

If you don’t believe me, maybe you’ll believe our eight-page rulebook.

FOR A FANTASY LEAGUE.

I’ve had more than a bundle of tough decisions over the years as the Commish.

But the goal is always to do what’s in the best interest of BART.

The Basketball Association of Rotisserie Teams.

I would imagine that NBA Commissioner David Stern tries to rule his league the same way.

Whatever is in the best interest of the NBA.

Well the NBA owners.

That’s why they locked out the players for 149 days, right?

Well as I type this here blog, Mr. Stern is submersed in a flaming hot whirlpool of controversy.

Or is it conspiracy?

Yesterday about this time, the story broke that the Los Angeles Lakers had made a trade.

A blockbuster trade.

A fantasy league trade.

They had acquired Chris Paul, the great.... young... STAR point guard they had been longing for.

To get him they gave up two very good players.

Very tall players.

Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom.

And by moving Gasol and Odom, the Lakers had depleted their lineup of a bunch of their bulk.

Some might even say they made their team worse.

This was certainly not a trade that guarantees them anything.

But clearly they felt that the combo platter of Paul and Kobe Bryant is exactly what they needed.

And who am I to argue.

The Los Angeles Lakers have won 11 championships.

My Dunkin’ Donuts have only won eight.

But something funny happened on the way to this deal getting done.

The NBA Commish stepped in from the home office in Manhattan.

And before the ink was dry, David Stern threw down the kibosh.

That’s yiddish for nix.

Veto.

Declination.

Pick a word.

The bottom line is this done deal was undone.

According to an NBA Spokesman not named David Stern:

“The league office declined to make the trade for basketball reasons.”

Basketball reasons?

Not sure what that exactly means, but the good people on twitter sure had fun with it:

@5joeclines

Next time someone's credit isn't good enough to buy a car I'll deny them for basketball reasons. #NBA

@russbengtson

BREAKING: David Stern blocks Dwight Howard trade that hasn't even been proposed yet. For basketball reasons.

@ShinaBina3

I'm not going to work tomorrow for #BasketballReasons

@caliretheory

Got pulled over and refused to give my license to the cop. He asked why I was refusing. #basketballreasons

@HousefromDC

Developing Story: NBA Commissioner David Stern vetoes Christmas. #basketballreasons

You can rest assure that the NBA hasn’t heard the end of their new catch phrase.

Like Charlie Sheen will never hear the end of... WINNING.

In fact, you can already buy a t-shirt to celebrate the moment.

And to make this worse for Stern, the reports came out, quickly, that this veto was all about peer pressure.

Apparently a handful of NBA Owners went sprinting to Stern to complain about this trade.

They were a little miffed that the first move after the let’s all have more competitive balance lockout was...

BULLY STEALS LUNCH MONEY & SUPERSTAR GUARD

And supposedly these owners demanded that this trade goes away.

Right effing now.

But the NBA quickly squashed that theory.

Or at least tried to.

“It’s not true that the owners killed that deal.”

Said the same NBA Spokesperson not named David Stern.

Oh, ok.

So much for that theory.

End of story.

...

What?

yahoo got a copy of...

an email.

From Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert to Stern.

The same Gilbert who watched his franchise player take his talents and his franchise to South Beach just last year.

Well the email read as such:

Commissioner,

It would be a travesty to allow the Lakers to acquire Chris Paul in the apparent trade being discussed.

This trade should go to a vote of the 29 owners of the Hornets.

Yada yada yada.

I just don’t see how we can allow this trade to happen.

I know the vast majority of owners feel the same way that I do.

When will we just change the name of 25 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals?

Please advise….

Dan G.

Oh no he didn't.

He went Washington Generals on the Commish?

That’s just dirty.

True.

But dirty.

I suppose the NBA Spokesperson not named David Stern might’ve been wrong.

Well no matter the reason.

The done deal was undone.

This is not the first time a Commissioner has nixed a trade.

Probably won’t be the last.

But it certainly can change history.

My father worked for the Raiders all the way back in 1983.

This young whipper-snapper of a quarterback named Elway was coming out of college.

Stanford.

But he didn’t want to play for the Colts.

The Baltimore Colts.

The team with the first pick in that draft.

So he demanded a trade.

A trade that the Colts worked out with the Raiders.

Only NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle had a problem with Elway going to the Raiders.

Or someone not named Dan Gilbert had a problem with Elway going to the Raiders.

Or a problem with the trade.

Or a problem with Al Davis.

But the bottom line is Rozelle put the kibosh on that deal.

Most of the specifics have left me in last 28 years.

My dad left me nine years ago.

So we aren’t going to get more details than that.

But the bottom line is instead of Elway wearing Silver and Black into the Hall of Fame.

Elway was traded to a team in the Raiders division.

The Broncos.

Where he (eventually) won two Super Bowls.

At age 26, there’s still a good chance that Chris Paul may reach that Elway-esque status.

But it’s anyone’s guess what uniform he will be wearing.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Tick tick tick.

Now on the clock -- the NBA players.

Well it’s not quite a clock.

It’s more like a ticking time bomb.

The owners have given the players until Wednesday to accept the latest offer they scribbled on the bargaining table.

And if not.

The NBA will blow up.

Now these players are used to making pressure decisions in 24 seconds.

Or less.

But if they miss this shot, the Association will fadeaway faster than a Kobe Bryant jumper.

Midnight will strike.

And the NBA will explode.

Implode.

Whatever.

At this point, the damage that both sides have done to this once great league is immeasurable.

Immeasurable for now.

When they finally do agree, it is going to be a long road to recovery.

How long?

We’ll find out Wednesday.

The bottom line is that none of us can relate to what these guys are bitching about.

NONE of us.

The debate seems to center around something called BRI.

Basketball Related Income.

What’s that you say?

Let me catch you up.

The players used to get 57% of the BRI.  

The owners said, WHOA... that’s too much.

So they offered 47%.  

The players said, WHOA... that’s too little.

Enter Newton's Cradle.

53.. no 48... 52... no 49... 

Now it’s 49 with a chance to go to 51. 

You lost me at hello.

For the last few weeks, they’ve been bickering over 1%.

ONE PERCENT!

Now in this case, 1% is still a ton of cash.

But enough already.

I couldn’t figure out a sudoku puzzle if you gave me a month.

But give me 10 minutes with these idiots and we’ll have a deal done.

15 minutes if we order chinese food.

Honestly, I don’t get it.

The bottom line is the NBA brings in a lot of money.

And as long as these games keep getting cancelled.

Nobody gets nothin’.

Times are tough these days.

Everywhere.

The OUT OF BUSINESS sign.

Has replaced the OPEN sign.

On way too many storefronts.

And there’s no reason to believe that’s going to change anytime soon.

Businesses are cutting back like Barry Sanders.

And those are the ones trying to stay open.

But the NBA has nothing in common with Joe’s Shoe Repair.

Or Borders bookstore.

Or Blockbuster Video.

Yet.

They are still sitting on a goldmine.

Still.

Last year, the league brought in a record 4.3 billion dollars in net revenue.

That’s billion with a B.

63 players earned 10 million dollars or more last year.

140 players earned 5 million or more last year.

336 players earned a million or more last year.

That’s enough for nearly 34 different 5x5 pickup games.

Between millionaires.

Armani Shirts vs Lamb Skins.

According to the NBA, five million dollars was the average salary in the league last year.

The average.

Per year.

Guaranteed.

That’s one Dr. Evil for every finger.

On your right hand.

And five dozen guys made enough to take care of the left too.

Of course some of the bottom feeders aren’t making nearly that much.

In fact, the minimum salary is not even 10% of the average.

Last year the minimum salary in the NBA was a measly $473,604.

That’s right.

Can you imagine -- the benchiest of bench warmers made “just” $473k last year.

How do you feel about this lockout now?

The owners say that 22 of the 30 teams have been losing money.

Duh!

Throwing around cash like that, it’s no surprise.

That’s why they said that something had to change.

No surprise there either.

Personally, I have chosen to believe that the NBA owners are telling the truth about their bad financial situation.

Even if they are the ones to blame.

Exhibit A, B, C, D & E.

July 8, 2010 -- just one year ago.

The Atlanta Hawks resigned free agent Joe Johnson to a six-year deal.

A six-year deal worth $119 million dollars.

Guaranteed!

And if the Hawks didn’t sign him, a dozen other teams probably would have.

Johnson is no ordinary Joe when it comes to playing the game of basketball.

But when it comes to playing in the NBA, he is nothing special.

In the six years he has played in Atlanta.

He has never made it to the NBA finals.

In fact, he’s never led the Hawks to the conference finals.

But he does have a 500-square foot shoe closet.

Really.

Hey you gotta spend that money on something.

The bottom line here is a whole bunch of rich people have a chance to stay rich if they just check their egos at the door.

And get a deal done.

Saturday night we turned our clocks back.

But that extra hour of negotiating really didn’t help.

At the end of the latest bargaining session -- BS for short.

1:45am ET.

NBA Commissioner David Stern said to the players, this is our offer.

You have until Wednesday to take it.

But if you leave it.

The next offer will by yuckier.

Guaranteed.

Imagine that -- the NBA Commissioner used the word “yuckier”.

Now if you don’t care about the NBA.

You probably don’t care if they ever kiss and make up.

And you definitely don’t care about this blog.

But I do.

I love the NBA.

Well, I love the game of basketball.

It is this BS game of millionaires whining over who gets the bigger car that I could do without.

Make the right call.

And sign on the dotted line.

Both of you.

Tick tick tick.