Tattoo You

I’d love to be a fly on the Great Wall when the two new Chinese imports arrive.

Those imports are J.R. Smith and Wilson Chandler.

And they are American basketball players.

Pretty good American basketball players.

But with the NBA currently locked out, Smith and Chandler are moving east for next season.

FAR east.

They have both signed to play in the Chinese Basketball Association.

And under their agreements, they won’t be able to come back to the NBA until the end of the Chinese basketball season.

Which ends in March.

Now if you look at their numbers, these guys are fairly impressive.

Smith has hit over 900 3-pointers in his seven NBA seasons.

While Chandler has averaged nearly 14 points per game in his four years in the league.

But take a closer look.

And I’m not sure you could pick two more unlikely guys to play under the roof of the Communist Party.

Let’s face it, it’s their skin color.

No, not because they are black.

Thanks to an unreliable source on the internet, I found that just 0.7 percent of the Chinese population is black.

Out of a billion plus.

But it is not the color of their skin that makes them unique in China.

It’s the color in their skin.

As in body ink.

Tattoos.

Perhaps the only category that Chandler or Smith will ever lead the NBA in is number of tats.

These two guys -- former teammates in Denver -- are covered in tattoos.

And when I say covered, I mean COVERED.

Head to toe.

J.R. Smith

Wilson Chandler

Now personally, I find tattoos disgusting.

Ok, a little one here or there and I guess I’m fine.

But when you get into the neck.

YUCK!

Call me ancient.

Call me out of touch.

Call me anything you want.

But it is gross.

Of course all it takes is a trip to the local amusement park to realize that I am in the minority.

Tattoos have taken over the world.

Or at least this country.

And it’s not just the bikers.

Or the hoodlums.

Or the gang members.

Or however you want to label it.

It’s the school teachers.

And the soccer moms.

And the adult entertainers.

Talk about a buzz kill.

But this epidemic has reached the youth.

When I was growing up kids wanted to be like Mike.

Now they want to be like J.R. or Wilson.

Many kids are getting tattoos before they get their high school diploma.

And their parents can’t do much, but sit and watch.

And in some cases, pay for it.

That’s what happened to my friend.

Well sorta.

You see, a few years ago he got himself a really messy divorce.

REALLY messy.

He and his ex have two kids.

The 14-year-old girl lives with her.

The 16-year-old boy lives with him.

And they live a thousand miles from each other.

1125 to be exact.

A few weeks ago the mom showed up at the dad’s house to pay a surprise visit.

Only the dad was on a business trip.

SURPRISE!

While he was gone, she got to spend some quality 1-on-1 time with her son.

I’m not sure of the exact itinerary, but one stop on their reunion tour included a trip to the local tattoo parlor.

As a present, the mom bought her son the gift that keeps on giving.

A three-inch Boston Red Sox “B”.

On his left shoulder.

The teenage boy -- a minor I may add -- wanted to be like all his buddies at school who have tattoos.

But his dad wouldn’t allow it.

In fact, the dad made a point to tell his crazy ex a few weeks earlier that even though the boy wanted some ink.

He did not approve.

Not to mention he is Jewish -- and in Judaism tattoos are not permitted.

So he asked that she not do it.

And that’s probably what sparked the surprise visit.

When my friend shared this news with me the other day, I was disgusted.

Not because it was a Red Sox tattoo.

But because it was a tattoo at all.

On a 16-year-old boy.

Sure, mom-bership has some privileges.

But this isn’t it.

Knowing what I know about this story -- even though I can’t share.

Let’s just say she’d already done enough to scar this young boy for life.

She didn’t need to add ink to the fire.

But this kid used the oldest trick in the book to get his way.

If dad won’t let you do it.

Ask mom.

And unfortunately mom bit the hook.

Leaving this boy with a mark.

For the rest of his life.