Notes on a DC Scorecard

My week-long trek through the nation’s capital is over.

And what a long, spectacular trip it was.

Eight days.  Three states.  One district.  Of Columbia.

56 Hamburgers.

Perfect.

If school would’ve been this much fun when I went.

I might’ve went longer.

I learned so many things this week.

And not all of it was inside a museum.

I learned that there is a court higher than the Supreme Court.

It’s a basketball court.

On the roof of the building.

That’s what our tour guide told us.

He was really proud of that one.

The tour guide for our final day was Forrest Gump.

Not the real one.

But it could’ve been.

He used to be a cab driver in New York.

Once went running with the bulls in Spain.

Fought for our country in Panama.

And Serbia.

And Iraq.

Went to school with a famous sportscaster.

Not college.

Kindergarten.

And he told us that Theodore Roosevelt didn’t like being called Teddy.

Wait there’s more.

Taxes may be a hot subject on Capitol Hill.

But if you buy something at the Capitol Building Gift Shop, there is no tax.

It’s twue, it’s twue.

It’s a federal building.

And they don’t charge tax there.

Good news if you plan on committing a crime in the Maryland-Virginia-DC area.

They tell you how much it costs before you do it.

No seat belt?

No problem.  

If you get caught, that’ll cost you $50.

And two points on your record.

That’s what the sign said.

Feel like parking in a handicap spot.  

Then you should feel like coughing up $98.   

That’s what it costs.

You better yield for pedestrians too.

If not that’ll cost you “$100-$500”.

$100 TO $500? 

Do you pay by the height?

Spending a week with several dozen teenagers was another learning experience.

I learned that while four of out of five dentists may recommend Trident Gum.

Five out of five must be recommending braces.

Nearly every kid on this trip either had.

Has.

(Or I’m sure will have) the four-figure smile fixer.

I hadn’t seen this much metal in a mouth since my last Lil Wayne concert.

Now once you get those braces, that means no gum chewing.

Which is a good thing in DC.

We were greeted at every venue with the same list of demands:

No Food.

No Drinks.

No Gum.

When did Bubblelicious become one of America’s Most Wanted?

Hey, rules is rules.

But do you know how much extra cash these museums could rake in with a little out of the box marketing.

How ‘bout this....

Starbucks...

The official drink of the Declaration of Independence.

Come on, a guy wearing a George Washington wig serving up an “Americano” while you read the Bill of Rights.

You could sell that for at least $60.

No tax.

Of course.