On Golden Pound

I’ll never forget my first time.

The first time I went to The Palm.

The Palm Restaurant.

The swanky New York eatery.

I was probably nine or so.

At the time there was only one, maybe two, in the world.

Now there are 32.

Well back then, eating there was a big deal.

And that big deal was no deal at all.

It came with a big bill at the end.

You just didn’t know how big.

Until the end.

If my memory is correct the waiter came to our table and said.

“We have steak.”

“We have lobster.”

“And we have steak and lobster.”

I’m not sure there was an actual menu.

There were three of us at our table.

Me, my dad and my dad’s friend.

For some reason the friend was paying.

That was established before we sat down.

When the waiter asked what we wanted, I said.

“Lobster!”

At age nine, I had never had one.

So what better place to try one.

My dad quickly jumped in.

“No, he’ll have the steak.”

The friend replied, “He wants the lobster.  Get the lobster.”

I think our friend thought my dad was opposed.

Because it cost too much.

But the truth was my dad was opposed.

Because lobster is a shellfish.

And shellfish is a crustacean.

And crustaceans are not kosher.

This, according to the book.

The good book.

A book written like 5,724 years before The Palm was even invented.

Well my dad and his friend bickered for...  what felt like forever.

But eventually this nine-year old got his way.

His first lobster.

And definitely not his last.

There are very few things I enjoy more than a good meal.

Actually, there are very few things I enjoy more than any meal.

But a good meal.. WOW!

A good meal can consist of anything.

Anything from an overpriced steak.

Or lobster.

To a greasy mexican burrito on an LA street corner.

And everything in the middle.

Quality is important.

Usually.

But quantity can go a long way too.

Enter the Golden Corral.

A cardiologist’s version of Disneyland.

For “around” ten bucks, you can fill your stomach.

And fill your arteries at the same time.

Such a deal.

Now if you’ve never been, picture this.

A room the size of Phoenix.

Stuffed with food.

Not just any food.

Crappy food.

Mexican food.

Chinese food.

Meat Loaf smothered in ketchup.

Fried Chicken.

Something that looks like Pizza.

Fried Shrimp.

Fajitas.

Corn soaking in butter.

“Homestyle Yeast Rolls”.

More butter.

And that’s just the left side of the room.

It’s like a college cafeteria on Barry Bonds.

There were more fried things than a Texas electric chair.

All for “around” ten bucks.

That’s what the commercial says.

Not the catchiest of slogans.

But I guess it works.

A few nights ago my son and I joined a friend and his son for the Corral’s newest baby.

Endless BabyBack ribs.

All-you-can-eat.

Just like everything else in that place.

A place where Grease is certainly the word.

The word for the filmy substance left on your hand.

Even if you don’t eat with your fingers.

But that didn’t stop us from going back.

And back.

And back again.

A fresh plate every time.

Of course.

By the time we were done, I’m sure we had passed 10,000 calories on the richter scale.

And we weren’t the only ones.

At the table right next to us were two men.

Two men not much older than us.

Both eating plenty.

And both using oxygen tanks.

Just to breathe.

Presumably there was one tank for each guy.

Sharing is not allowed at the Golden Corral.

Now forget all those catchy slogans.

There’s your commercial.

Two guys.

They can barely breathe.

And nothing is going to stop them from the Endless Ribs.

Now that’s dedication.

Of course it wouldn’t be a meal without dessert.

And the Corral has plenty.

Including a sugar free vanilla cake.

And sugar free blueberry pie.

Two desserts that nobody touched.

As crazy as that sounds.

The Corral has everything anyone would ever want.

From soup to peanuts.

Everything that is.

Except lobster.