My Morning Racket

Today I made it to 5:22am without waking up.

I know it was 5:22, because I watched the 2 change to a 3 on my digital clock.

Telling me it was 5:23.

Now that wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t gone to bed just three hours earlier.

Boy do I wish I could sleep.

I also wish I didn’t have that bruising feeling in my stomach.

I also wish my mind wasn’t racing like it was the Indianapolis 50,000.

I also wish I had five minutes of sleep for every time I’ve heard... 

“Everything happens for a reason.”

or

“This too shall pass.”

or

“Hang in there.”

or

Whatever.

Support is kind of a crazy thing.

We need our support system, and I’ve got a GREAT one, but sometimes that support system can get just too close.

It used to drive me insane when my dad would say, “keep your chin up” at the end of EVERY conversation.

I must’ve heard him say it 1000 times.

Unfortunately I haven’t heard it in eight years.

Coming up on nine.

It wasn’t his fault that phrase was his default way of saying “I love you and I hope that tomorrow is better than today.”

I would imagine my kids are tired of me telling them “I hope you have the best day ever” when I drop them off at school.

But somehow that’s become my catch phrase for them and I just can’t stop.

When I started writing this blog, I didn’t tell anybody about it.

I just did it.

I thought it was a really cool way to say what I wanted.

When I wanted.

How I wanted.

That worked for a while, until I thought what I was saying was worth being heard.

So, little-by-little, I told two friends.

And they told two friends.

Well you know the rest.

I love it that my friends read the blog.

I love it that anybody reads the blog.

I just love writing the blog.

But when I’ve got something heavy on my mind, as I certainly do these days, I hate the idea that I have to be careful what I am saying.

Now I do realize that I am way too deep into this internet thing here to be writing 100% of my life.

That’s why I have to hide my real thoughts behind a Bob Dylan quote or quirky baseball reference.

But the fact that I am still able to make my point helps me get through each day.

You may not know exactly what I mean, but I do.

Sometimes.

And that’s all that matters.   I think.

When I wrote about not sleeping two days ago, I certainly recognized that was exposing my vulnerability.

I also realized that’s exactly how I felt.

I’ve heard from a bunch of people since then.

And thank you for that.

I’m good.   Really.   I’m just keepin’ it real.

But there is one person I heard from that really made my day.

He’s someone I think of as one of my best friends.

We talk.  Not a lot.  But we talk.

But he’s on the short list of people that I just really like.

And when he texted me that my blog about not sleeping was about him and what he’s going through right now, that made my day.

Not the part that he couldn’t sleep.

But the part that we are all one.

I guess deep down my goal for this blog is in some small way having my words doing something for somebody.

I’ve burned up all of my minutes this month on my cell phone, and then some.

But come 9:01pm last night, when free after hours time kicked in, I went crazy nuts.

I think I spoke for like five straight hours on the phone, telling the same story over and over.

And over.

It would’ve been easier to hold a news conference.

Or write a blog.

But by the end of the night, or morning, I was absolutely exhausted from hearing myself talk.

It wasn’t that I wanted to tell the story over and over.   And over.

But rather the fact that I have lots of people in my life that wanted to know about my life.

And that’s a good thing.

I am so fortunate to have some amazing friends.

And honestly, my friends are quite fortunate to have me.

That’s probably why we are friends.

But in the end there is only one person who knows how you feel.

You.

People try really hard to help.

And people try really hard to tell you how you should feel.

Or how you should act.

Or how you should be dealing.

But at the end of the day, or at the beginning of the day, they are not the ones watching 5:22 turn into 5:23.

You are.

And you’z got to do what you’z got to do to make it through the day.

And I'z gotz to go back to bed now.