A Tangled Web

When an 11-year old boy wants something he doesn’t usually take no for an answer.

I know.

I still act like one.

During the eight days my 11-year old son was in New York with his two sisters and my wife, he must’ve asked me 25 times to take him to see the Broadway play Spiderman.

I tried explaining to him that in the three plus months I had been in Manhattan, I had not heard one word about the play.

Nada.

No buzz whatsoever.

I assumed that meant the play was a real dud.

Well I was right.

Sorta.

What I didn’t realize is that the play hadn’t opened up yet.

Apparently, its been trying to debut for a couple of years, but a whole slew of production problems has pushed back the official opening until six weeks from now.

Not knowing this, last Friday I finally gave in and took my son to the box office to see if they had any tickets available.

That’s when we found out the play hadn’t opened yet.

That’s also when we found out the first presentation from start to finish in front of a live audience was on Sunday night.

Sunday night.

As in the day after Saturday night, the night my wife and kids were flying home.

How do you think that went over with the 11-year old boy?

Well as my luck would have it, I was staying two days longer than my family, spending the weekend with my friend Mark.

Mark and I went to high school and college together and he was in town for the Thanksgiving holiday.

In his spare time he is a film critic in Los Angeles.

Maybe I should’ve called him for the real 411 on Spiderman.

Turns out he knew it all.

He knew the play was directed by Julie Taymor, who also directed the mega Broadway hit, The Lion King.

He knew the music and lyrics were written by Bono and The Edge from U2.

He knew this is the most expensive play in Broadway history, with a $65 million tab.

So far.

And it will cost another million, per week, when/if it ever really opens.

This show has so many issues, it could be a Dr. Phil episode.

Crew issues.  Cast issues.  Technical issues.  Money issues.

So when I asked if Mark wanted to see the first ever public production of this disaster waiting to happen, he answered without saying a word.

What I didn’t realize is how hard it would be to get tickets.

Apparently people like watching train wrecks.

Lotsa people.

Who knew?

When we got to the sold out Foxwoods Theatre, we were ushered into a “cancellation line”.

That meant, if people cancel, we get to buy their tickets.

So we waited.   And waited.   And waited.

Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker walked right past us, into the theater.

As did Sean Hayes.

As did what felt like a million other people I didn’t recognize.

The Foxwoods Theater is one of the biggest, if not THE biggest on Broadway.

It seats 1,900 or so people.

And we saw all of them.

But somehow after waiting for two hours, we finally got the call to the box office window.

All they had left were single Orchestra tickets, but we grabbed them faster than we could say...

HOW MUCH WAS THAT TICKET?

Because we got the tickets so late, we were forced to watch the opening number from the lobby.

But we got to our seats right after that.

As a film critic, Mark is REALLY into storytelling and scripts and themes and all of that nonsense.

As the 1992 ADD Man of the Year, I like lights.

And smoke.  And sound effects.  And action.

And action there was.

Some of it was even planned.

There were a bunch of scenes where the characters were flying all over the place.

And that was amazing.

Is it bad that part of me was thinking how cool it would be if I could say I was there when the rope snapped and Spidey landed on Sarah Jessica?

Yeah, that would be bad.

Sorry.

There was an amazing scene where Spiderman and the Green Goblin were swinging right above me during a fight scene.

Definitely the scene of the night, for me.

This show was half Broadway.

Half Cirque du Soleil.

Half MTV.

Three halves make a whole, right?

The sets were borderline incredible.

The music was good, sometimes better than that.

The costumes were amazing.

The crowd was really into it.

It was everything you want in a Broadway show.

Everything PLUS a train wreck.

Free of charge.

Before Mark and I made it in, the announcer told the crowd that since this was a “preview”, they might need to stop the show if there were any technical problems.

And people were very sympathetic.

The first time they stopped it.

And the second.  And the third.  And the fourth.

And that was just the first act.

Then came a 15-minute intermission that lasted 40 minutes.

Patience meet wearing thin.

That was followed by a second act that was so disjointed you would’ve thought the show had arthritis.

The good news is they only stopped the show one time after the break.

The bad news is I wish they would’ve taken that time to explain what the hell the story was all about.

When it comes to anything involving a script, I am usually the best audience ever.

I don’t figure out anything until the end.

Did you know that girl in The Crying Game was really a guy?

I didn’t.

Did you know that Paul Bettany is not a real person?

Well HE is, but his character in A Beautiful Mind is not.

Did you know that James Earl Jones has a son named Mark Hamill?

I could go on all day.

The bottom line is it really doesn’t take a whole lot for me to get roped into a storyline.

Unfortunately there wasn’t a whole lot of rope there.

This story was so weak, Tobey Maguire could bench press it.

I haven’t been this confused since the first time I was handed a Rubik’s Cube.

Or the last time.

There was so little meat on the bones of this play, they could’ve called it Veganman.

Ok, I’ll leave the real critiquing to Mark.

But even with all of the problems, it was worth every penny just to be there.

There was no other place I would rather be.   

But let me tell you, $65 million doesn’t buy what it used to.

Come on Spidey people, you’ve got six weeks to save the world.

And save your show.

11-year olds around my galaxy are counting on you.